The Brachiator

The fake news, as reported by Hylo Bates. Updated Aug 20, 2003
One-Line Wonders:
Britney on Her Former Virginity: "OK, NOW I'll Wait Till Married."

Necrophile Worried About Unnatural Attraction to Living Woman.

Alcoholics, Pedophiles, at Least One Murderer Express Outrage Over Election of Gay Bishop.

August 9, 2003. Concord N.H.: Days after a panel of lay and clergy Episcopalians selected 56-year-old Rev. V. Gene Robinson to be their next bishop, protests continue to be voiced around the world. Joining people from Nigeria to Nevada in decrying the historic choice of an openly-gay man to the position, a local group of concerned citizens voiced their opposition in a rally at the courthouse this morning. Read more…

Straight Guy Upset No One Hits on Him at Gay Bar.

Lawrence Kansas, August 17, 2003: Steve Butcher, a 25-year-old cable installer, expressed confusion and dismay over not being hit on during either of his two visits to the local gay bar, friends reported yesterday. The single, heterosexual man, who’s attended The Left Hand’s “Retro Friday” dance party with several friends two times in the past five weeks, is apparently honestly troubled by his lack of gay sex appeal. Read more...

Free-thinking Skeptic Notices Unusual Marks on Photographs

Rationally Attributes Them to “Some Kind of Light Thing” and Goes About Life.

August 11, 2003. Athens Georgia: Calvin Black, a local engineer who likes to describe himself as “a devout atheist”, blatantly ignored the possibility of supernatural phenomena—such as ghosts, guardian angels, or photo-sensitive demon warriors—when he casually viewed his family’s vacation photos in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Read more…

Church Officials Ambivalent About New “Hip Hop” Bible

August 4, 2003: When the former gangster rapper known as Dread-E Ed, now a born again Baptist minister preaching under the name The Save-Ed, held a press conference last week to announce his completion of a new Bible translation, few in the industry (either music or religious) took much notice. Read more…

Reformed Homosexual Happily Married and Resisting Sin

With Help of Christ, Able to Ignore Succulent Asses of Young Men

August 5, 2003. Padukah Kentucky: Raymod Keller, an admitted “former homosexual” who found Jesus Christ a year and a half ago, reports that he is satisfied with his marriage and doesn’t miss satisfying, reciprocal sex with other men. Likening his life and the road ahead of him to that of a reformed alcoholic, Keller admitted it isn’t always easy. Read more…

Romance between Wealthy Maverick and Prostitute ends in Tragedy

Hollywood-esque relationship takes unexpected, violent turn.

Los Angelos, California. August 15, 2003: The love affair between single millionaire Morris Etherton and veteran prostitute Kallie “Special K” Woods had all the makings of a touching romantic-comedy, friends recalled yesterday, as they quietly gathered to mourn Etherton’s untimely death. The fairy tale ended Tuesday in a nameless, dark alley in one of LA’s poorer urban neighborhoods, as the suave, quirky bachelor died in a hail of bullets fired from the gun of Woods’ alleged pimp, Maurice “G-Play” Griffen. Read more...

Leading Republican Wives Getting Sick of “War on Terror” Crap

Mrs. Ashcroft and Mrs. Rumsfeld Fed Up With Hubbies

June 25, 2003 Washington DC: Several members of the White House Wives’ Club are feeling growing frustration because their husbands seem to be bringing the “War on Terror” home with them. An anonymous source reported to The Brachiator that Janet Ashcroft and Joyce Rumsfeld began discussing their husbands’ at-home behavior at the Wives’ Club luncheon yesterday afternoon, and “…they just went off!” (Read more...)

George W. Bush Makes Surprising Discovery in White House Attic

Calls old yearbooks from daddy’s administration, “fucking hilarious”.

June 16, 2003 Washington DC: Taking a break from his grueling schedule of playing golf and giving press conferences that require him to pronounce difficult words such as “peaceful resolution”, George W. Bush took several hours to look through the attic of the White House yesterday evening. Sources inside the White House tell The Brachiator that the President was “profoundly amused” by one of his discoveries during the foray: a chest of mementos and photo albums from his father’s administration. (Read more...)

Warrant Issued for Thomas Jefferson’s Arrest

Attorney General John Ashcroft makes startling announcement.

Washington DC, June 15 2003 :At a surprise press-conference at the White House today, Attorney General John Ashcroft and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that the Justice Department was issuing a warrant for the arrest of one Thomas Jefferson. As one out of four high school seniors in America ( and one out of two of the most recent American Presidents) is aware, Mr. Jefferson was the third President of the United States. He is also considered the author of the Declaration of Independence, and it is this last fact that has apparently landed him “on the lam”. (Read more...)

“Feel Good” Movie Leaves Everyone in Audience Feeling Bad

Emotions Range From Malaise to Disappointment to Rage

September 22, 2002; Galesburg Illinois: A recent viewing of M. Night Shyamalan’s “Signs” at the Galesburg Multiplex was not enjoyed by a single person who saw the 7:35 show. What many have described as a “feel good” movie, had the opposite effect on this particular audience. (Read more...)

Pot and Kettle Finally Settle Differences

Opinions Split on Mended Relationship

The Kitchen, October 28, 2002; In a bilateral move that surpised kitchen pundits and utensils alike, long-time enemies Pot and Kettle announced an end to hostilities yesterday. The pair, speaking from the stovetop where they were relaxing after an evening wash, appeared calm and united, a stark contrast to their relationship in the past. For decades, the pair of culinary heavyweights have kept the entire food-preparation area on edge with their constant bickering and name-calling. (Read more...)

NRA Issues Dire Warning to Members

Be on Alert for Attack After Recent Events

November 1st, 2002: In their monthly newsletter mailed to several hundred thousand American homes Wednesday, the NRA cautioned its members to be “ever more vigilant” in the wake of recent events around the world. Much as it did last October, the organization warned gun-owners to beware of “foes of the second Amendment who would use recent tragedy to further their own cause.” (Read more...)

Ashcroft Urges Nation to Return to "Good Old Days"

Attorney General Ushers in New Old Era With Old-fashioned Book-Burning

Jefferson City, MO: Sept 1, 2002: From the steps of the State Capitol Building where he once reigned as Governor, US Attorney General John Ashcroft spoke passionately today about his vision for the future of the country. "Just as I did for the people of Missouri, I have dedicated myself to making this country the great nation it was sixty years ago," the ardent Republican bellowed in a voice that would have made his father, a Pentacostal preacher, proud. (Read more...)

Site for 8th Grade Fieldtrip Reevaluated After Rowdy Outing

Teacher Admits, Cave Wasn’t Best Choice

Park Hills, Kentucky; October 30, 2002: A day after a fieldtrip she’d organized for her 8th grade class deteriorated into a giggle and laugh-fest that culminated in the group being asked to leave the premises and never return, teacher Sandra Mortenson expressed regret. She also questioned her selecting Marionsville Ice-caverns as a suitable site for an outing with 27 adolescents, many of whom have hormonal hurricanes raging inside their young bodies. “Yeah, I really wasn’t thinking when I decided to take the kids to the cave,” the thirty-four year old teacher, a veteran of eleven years in the classroom, said today as she sipped coffee in the teachers’ lounge. (Read more...)

Nation’s Supply of Irony Completely Exhausted by Bush Administration

Washington DC, July 28,2002: Officials at the International Registry of National Irony Content (IRONIC) announced today that the United States’ allotment of the vital literary tool has been completely exhausted by the current administration. The Registry had issued repeated warnings during the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal that the nation’s stock was running dangerously low and current trends pointed toward complete depletion by 2006, but few in American politics paid the dire prediction any heed. However, after George W. Bush was appointed President in 2001, the irony-guzzling power of American politics increased tenfold, and IRONIC Chairman Ira “Nick” Bernstein confirmed in a press conference this morning that the last drop of irony had been squeezed out of the international reserve. (Read More...)

New Parents Dismayed by Friends’ Rudeness

Suddenly Everyone Else Self-Absorbed

Santa Clara, California. March 20, 2002: The immense joy and exuberance Jackie and Marcus Shelton have experienced due to the birth of their first child has been routinely diminished by the selfishness and rudeness of their peers, the couple reported yesterday afternoon. The pair, in their second year of marriage, have even begun actively seeking a new group of friends, because their current one shows such apathy toward Morgan, their 8-month-old daughter. Read more...

2,400 Attend “Million Dead-beat Dad March” in Washington

Organizers Disappointed With Low Turnout

May 8th, 2001, Washington DC: A smaller-than-expected crowd of men from around the country gathered yesterday across the street from the Whitehouse in what organizers had dubbed the “Million Dead-beat Dad March”. Police estimated the crowd to be around 2,250 people, while Marlon Shirk, a spokesmen for the march, guessed that the crowd was closer to 2,600 strong.

Jeff City to "Let the Dogs Out"

Public Enthusiastic About New Annual Event

June 1, 2001, Jefferson City, Missouri: The City is ready to unleash it’s new event, inspired by the time-honored, world-famous "Running of the Bulls" in Pamplona, Spain. The first annual Running of the Pit-Bulls will be held in downtown Jefferson City on Thursday the 7th of June. Set to begin at 5:00pm and culminate in a dash up Broadway, the sure-to-be-thrilling race will herald the beginning of the Downtown Association’s Twilight Festivals.


Sante Fe Dodecatuplets Born After 17-hour Labor

Parents Overjoyed by "Miracle"

July 5, 2001. Sante Fe: James and Susan Schmidt welcomed twelve new children into their family yesterday after a seventeen hour labor. James Schmidt, who along with his wife had gained international attention in the past several months, announced the birth to reporters early this morning, proclaiming the birth "...a glorious miracle". Susan, who was confined to bed rest just five weeks into her pregnancy, found out she was carrying at least ten babies in April, and doctors finally determined the exact number to be twelve just three weeks ago. Read More...

Local Teen Unleashes New Comedic Technique onto Friends

Use of Basic Anatomical Term Adds to Hilarity

March 8, 2001, Mount Vernon, Illinois: In a move one source called "simple genius", Dan Barker achieved a new level of humor in his everyday jesting and joking by reintroducing a basic anatomical term into his peer-group’s vernacular yesterday. Barker, a Junior at Mt. Vernon Township Highschool, pulled off the unexpected verbal feat in the school cafeteria while eating lunch with several of his friends. Read more

Mardi Gras Celebration Marred by Peace and Lawfulness

No One Injured, Few Arrested, Many Dismayed

New Orleans, February 28, 2001: It was anything but business as usual for police officers and party-goers alike last night, as the city wrapped up Mardi Gras celebrations. No one was injured and very few people were arrested in the tamest "Fat Tuesday" in recent memory. Many revelers and would-be rioters were discouraged, and some were outraged, at this deviation from the traditional culmination of Mardi Gras.
Read more

Ashcroft Targets Figure Skaters and Gymnasts

Attorney General vows to Clean Up the Olympics

Washington DC. March 10, 2002: After his successful attempt to clean up the nation’s Capitol by having a partially nude statue covered, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced that he will be widening his war against the partially and scantily-clad and that it’s a battle that might go on for years. Last month, Ashcroft ordered the Spirit of Justice Statue—which has stood in the Justice Department Building for seven decades and depicts a female figure with a breast exposed—be covered with a drape that ended up costing the government 8,000 dollars. Read more...

Bush Wins Second Appeal This Year

Decision seen as serious blow to Santa.

Washington DC. Dec. 21, 2000 For the second time this month, George W. Bush benefitted from a Supreme Court decision. The court, in a 5-4 decision, overturned the ruling of the North Pole District 1 Court. The lower court's decision last month upheld Santa's right to check his list twice, rejecting the arguments of lawyers for the Bush family who argued that such "recounting" undermined the constitution of the United States.

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Church and State Reconcile

After 250-year separation, couple back together again.

Washington DC. Jan. 3, 2001. Church and State announced through their representatives today that they have agreed to reunite after a long separation. Appearing together, spokeswoman for the Church, Sister Mary-Francis and spokesman for the State, Stanley Wright made the happy announcement. "This long, bleak period in world history is at an end," Wright exclaimed loudly.
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People and Places

Pop Versus Soda Debate Turns Deadly

Three dead and numerous wounded in vernacular war at small college.

January 23, 2001. Ferrell Wisconsin. Three students were killed and numerous others were injured when a brawl erupted at the Ferrell College commons during Tuesday's lunch. Names of the fatalities have not been released, but Dean of Students Vick Flanagan reported that two sophomores and one first-year student had died of injuries sustained in the cafeteria brawl at Chapin Hall. Seven other students and a food service employee were treated for injuries at the local hospital, too.
Read more

College Student Injured in Fraternity House

Apparent Would-be Superhero Savagely Beaten in "Bizarre" Incident

February 3, 2001. Lawrence Kansas. Edgar Vandertal, a Junior at Kansas University, is in serious condition today after allegedly suffering a severe beating at a local fraternity house last night. Authorities are still trying to piece together the events that led up to Vandertal's injuries. Police Captain Richard Tasker said in a telephone interview earlier today that, "so far, the story is pretty bizarre".


Groups Join Forces to Oppose Religion in Schools

Posting of Five Pillars Outrages Many

January 5, 2001. Hattiesburg, Mississippi: A new school policy in the small coastal community of Pascagoula Mississippi has draw sharp criticism from parents, some teachers, and the ACLU. Late last month, the Jackson County R-7 School District okayed a plan to post the Five Pillars of Islam in its classrooms. The effort, Superintendent Earl Chaumers explained at the time, was intended to "...restore morals and ethics to the institution of public education."

Naive New Employee Offers Feedback to Company
Any Hopes of Effecting Change Quickly Dashed
Bush Twins’ Life of Crime Continues
Girls Held in County Jail After Violent Crime Spree
All-Children TV Network Unveiled by Viacom
CTN Marks New Level of Trite Child Exploitation
Creator of Segue Honored With Award
Beloved Broadcaster Graciously Accepts.
Teen Likes to Laugh at Grandfather
ESPN Defends New Trash-Talk Segment
"You Can't Fade Me!" Says Host
Political Analyst Likes German Words
Bill Clinton Considers Name Change
Lynne Cheney Chooses Cause
Second Lady Speaks Out Against Political Correctness.
Woman Dismayed by Conspicuous Absence of Dead Father
Friend Baffled by her Stupidity
Formerly "Cool" Mom Now Just "Creepy"
Parks and Recreation to Launch "Parent-Brawling"
Opinions Split on New Adult League
Chat-room Junkie Exiled by "Friends" After Startling Confession
On-line Peers Show no Forgiveness
Area Woman Thumbs Nose at Taliban.
The Top 8 List: The Top Eight Rejected New Names For North Dakota.

All pieces (c) Hylo Bates 2001.
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