The Brachiator

August 9, 2003. Concord N.H.: Days after a panel of lay and clergy Episcopalians selected 56-year-old Rev. V. Gene Robinson to be their next bishop, protests continue to be voiced around the world. Joining people from Nigeria to Nevada in decrying the historic choice of an openly-gay man to the position, a local group of concerned citizens voiced their opposition in a rally at the courthouse this morning. Read more…

Lawrence Kansas, August 17, 2003: Steve Butcher, a 25-year-old cable installer, expressed confusion and dismay over not being hit on during either of his two visits to the local gay bar, friends reported yesterday. The single, heterosexual man, who’s attended The Left Hand’s “Retro Friday” dance party with several friends two times in the past five weeks, is apparently honestly troubled by his lack of gay sex appeal. Read more...

August 11, 2003. Athens Georgia: Calvin Black, a local engineer who likes to describe himself as “a devout atheist”, blatantly ignored the possibility of supernatural phenomena—such as ghosts, guardian angels, or photo-sensitive demon warriors—when he casually viewed his family’s vacation photos in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Read more…

August 4, 2003: When the former gangster rapper known as Dread-E Ed, now a born again Baptist minister preaching under the name The Save-Ed, held a press conference last week to announce his completion of a new Bible translation, few in the industry (either music or religious) took much notice. Read more…

August 5, 2003. Padukah Kentucky: Raymod Keller, an admitted “former homosexual” who found Jesus Christ a year and a half ago, reports that he is satisfied with his marriage and doesn’t miss satisfying, reciprocal sex with other men. Likening his life and the road ahead of him to that of a reformed alcoholic, Keller admitted it isn’t always easy. Read more…

Los Angelos, California. August 15, 2003: The love affair between single millionaire Morris Etherton and veteran prostitute Kallie “Special K” Woods had all the makings of a touching romantic-comedy, friends recalled yesterday, as they quietly gathered to mourn Etherton’s untimely death. The fairy tale ended Tuesday in a nameless, dark alley in one of LA’s poorer urban neighborhoods, as the suave, quirky bachelor died in a hail of bullets fired from the gun of Woods’ alleged pimp, Maurice “G-Play” Griffen. Read more...

June 25, 2003 Washington DC: Several members of the White House Wives’ Club are feeling growing frustration because their husbands seem to be bringing the “War on Terror” home with them. An anonymous source reported to The Brachiator that Janet Ashcroft and Joyce Rumsfeld began discussing their husbands’ at-home behavior at the Wives’ Club luncheon yesterday afternoon, and “…they just went off!” (Read more...)

June 16, 2003 Washington DC: Taking a break from his grueling schedule of playing golf and giving press conferences that require him to pronounce difficult words such as “peaceful resolution”, George W. Bush took several hours to look through the attic of the White House yesterday evening. Sources inside the White House tell The Brachiator that the President was “profoundly amused” by one of his discoveries during the foray: a chest of mementos and photo albums from his father’s administration. (Read more...)

Washington DC, June 15 2003 :At a surprise press-conference at the White House today, Attorney General John Ashcroft and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that the Justice Department was issuing a warrant for the arrest of one Thomas Jefferson. As one out of four high school seniors in America ( and one out of two of the most recent American Presidents) is aware, Mr. Jefferson was the third President of the United States. He is also considered the author of the Declaration of Independence, and it is this last fact that has apparently landed him “on the lam”. (Read more...)

September 22, 2002; Galesburg Illinois: A recent viewing of M. Night Shyamalan’s “Signs” at the Galesburg Multiplex was not enjoyed by a single person who saw the 7:35 show. What many have described as a “feel good” movie, had the opposite effect on this particular audience. (Read more...)

The Kitchen, October 28, 2002; In a bilateral move that surpised kitchen pundits and utensils alike, long-time enemies Pot and Kettle announced an end to hostilities yesterday. The pair, speaking from the stovetop where they were relaxing after an evening wash, appeared calm and united, a stark contrast to their relationship in the past. For decades, the pair of culinary heavyweights have kept the entire food-preparation area on edge with their constant bickering and name-calling. (Read more...)

November 1st, 2002: In their monthly newsletter mailed to several hundred thousand American homes Wednesday, the NRA cautioned its members to be “ever more vigilant” in the wake of recent events around the world. Much as it did last October, the organization warned gun-owners to beware of “foes of the second Amendment who would use recent tragedy to further their own cause.” (Read more...)

Jefferson City, MO: Sept 1, 2002: From the steps of the State Capitol Building where he once reigned as Governor, US Attorney General John Ashcroft spoke passionately today about his vision for the future of the country. "Just as I did for the people of Missouri, I have dedicated myself to making this country the great nation it was sixty years ago," the ardent Republican bellowed in a voice that would have made his father, a Pentacostal preacher, proud. (Read more...)

Park Hills, Kentucky; October 30, 2002: A day after a fieldtrip she’d organized for her 8th grade class deteriorated into a giggle and laugh-fest that culminated in the group being asked to leave the premises and never return, teacher Sandra Mortenson expressed regret. She also questioned her selecting Marionsville Ice-caverns as a suitable site for an outing with 27 adolescents, many of whom have hormonal hurricanes raging inside their young bodies. “Yeah, I really wasn’t thinking when I decided to take the kids to the cave,” the thirty-four year old teacher, a veteran of eleven years in the classroom, said today as she sipped coffee in the teachers’ lounge. (Read more...)

Washington DC, July 28,2002: Officials at the International Registry of National Irony Content (IRONIC) announced today that the United States’ allotment of the vital literary tool has been completely exhausted by the current administration. The Registry had issued repeated warnings during the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal that the nation’s stock was running dangerously low and current trends pointed toward complete depletion by 2006, but few in American politics paid the dire prediction any heed. However, after George W. Bush was appointed President in 2001, the irony-guzzling power of American politics increased tenfold, and IRONIC Chairman Ira “Nick” Bernstein confirmed in a press conference this morning that the last drop of irony had been squeezed out of the international reserve. (Read More...)

Santa Clara, California. March 20, 2002: The immense joy and exuberance Jackie and Marcus Shelton have experienced due to the birth of their first child has been routinely diminished by the selfishness and rudeness of their peers, the couple reported yesterday afternoon. The pair, in their second year of marriage, have even begun actively seeking a new group of friends, because their current one shows such apathy toward Morgan, their 8-month-old daughter. Read more...

May 8th, 2001, Washington DC: A smaller-than-expected crowd of men from around the country gathered yesterday across the street from the Whitehouse in what organizers had dubbed the “Million Dead-beat Dad March”. Police estimated the crowd to be around 2,250 people, while Marlon Shirk, a spokesmen for the march, guessed that the crowd was closer to 2,600 strong.
Read more...

June 1, 2001, Jefferson City, Missouri: The City is ready to unleash it’s new event, inspired by the time-honored, world-famous "Running of the Bulls" in Pamplona, Spain. The first annual Running of the Pit-Bulls will be held in downtown Jefferson City on Thursday the 7th of June. Set to begin at 5:00pm and culminate in a dash up Broadway, the sure-to-be-thrilling race will herald the beginning of the Downtown Association’s Twilight Festivals.

July 5, 2001. Sante Fe: James and Susan Schmidt welcomed twelve new children into their family yesterday after a seventeen hour labor. James Schmidt, who along with his wife had gained international attention in the past several months, announced the birth to reporters early this morning, proclaiming the birth "...a glorious miracle". Susan, who was confined to bed rest just five weeks into her pregnancy, found out she was carrying at least ten babies in April, and doctors finally determined the exact number to be twelve just three weeks ago. Read More...

Washington DC. March 10, 2002: After his successful attempt to clean up the nation’s Capitol by having a partially nude statue covered, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced that he will be widening his war against the partially and scantily-clad and that it’s a battle that might go on for years. Last month, Ashcroft ordered the Spirit of Justice Statue—which has stood in the Justice Department Building for seven decades and depicts a female figure with a breast exposed—be covered with a drape that ended up costing the government 8,000 dollars. Read more...

Washington DC. Dec. 21, 2000 For the second time this month, George W. Bush benefitted from a Supreme Court decision. The court, in a 5-4 decision, overturned the ruling of the North Pole District 1 Court. The lower court's decision last month upheld Santa's right to check his list twice, rejecting the arguments of lawyers for the Bush family who argued that such "recounting" undermined the constitution of the United States.