Washington DC, January 24. Lynne Cheney wasted no time in becoming an active Second Lady today, just days after her husband, Dick Cheney, was sworn in as Vice President of the United States. Though she is going to break tradition and maintain several jobs in the private sector, Mrs. Cheney assured a group of reporters that she will also perform the normal Second Lady functions of championing causes and having tea parties.
"As many of you liberal traitors have reported in the past," Mrs. Cheney addressed the assembled press, "I am no fan of so-called 'political correctness'". The Second Lady continued, explaining that "in an effort to change the dishonest direction Washington has taken in the past eight years, I am launching a personal campaign against political correctness and the basic tenet of circumlocution it promotes."
"Though, when it comes to sex and drugs, the last thing we should do is tell our children the truth, I believe we need to be more honest with them on a daily basis," the Second Lady boldly declared. "Thus, we need to stop dumbing-down our language and beating around the bush. That man," she said, pointing to a portly reporter nearby, "is not ‘big-boned’ or ‘heavy-set’. He is fat! If you want to say ‘obese’ that’s fine and correct, too, but don’t tell me he’s ‘hefty’ or ‘full-figured’. I don’t want to hear it, and I don’t want my children to hear it."
Mrs. Cheney, to the disbelief of many in the group, went on to clarify more of her positions. "It may not be ‘polite’," she said, making little quote-marks with her fingers, "but I will not talk about ‘disadvantaged’ children. They’re poor. They’re dirty, smelly, poor kids, and most of them will end up in jail. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have compassion and pity for them, but we help no one when we lie about what they are." Looking around her, the Second Lady added, "I see many of you liars–I’m not going to use the term ‘reporters’ either–are surprised by what I’m saying. I don’t care. The people didn’t elect me, so I don’t have to answer to them. This is my issue, and I’m going to push it."
David Hershowitz, a reporter for Channel 4 news in nearby Chevy Chase, Maryland, spoke up and pointed out that the people actually hadn’t elected her husband or the new President, either. "You’re right, Jew-boy," Mrs. Cheney said curtly. "Our founding fathers had the vision and foresight to take the power of voting away from the stupid masses and put it in the hands of the rightful elite. Thank God."
"Now, back to my point," Cheney continued. "Whatever the issue, wherever I am, I intend to speak honestly and to be straightforward with the American pee-ons and aristocrats alike. When discussing abortion, I’m not going to talk about ‘women’s health care’ or ‘doctors’; I’m going to talk about ‘baby-killers’. When speaking on prayer in school, I’m not going to point out that I ‘disagree with non-christians’; I’m going to say ‘non-believers will burn in eternal hellfire’. I won’t make statements about ‘gun-control advocates’, but rather ‘commie gun-stealers’. There’ll be no ‘alternative lifestyles’ or ‘equal rights’ coming from my mouth, but I will talk about ‘queers’ and ‘special rights for fags and lesbos’". Stopping momentarily to take a breath, the Second Lady continued. "Perhaps if I’m feeling colorful, I’ll refer to them as ‘rug- munchers and rump-rangers’," she chuckled briefly and went on.
"In our schools, especially, we need to practice honesty if we’re going to raise honest children. So, there’ll be no more ‘special’ education for ‘special-needs’ kids. There will be ‘cripple-class’ for the ‘gimps and cripples’ just like it was in the good old days. There won’t be ‘extra help for slow learners’; there will be remedial classes for stupid children. Come on, people, who are we kidding with these ridiculous terms? It’s absurd. ‘English as a second language classes’? Are you kidding me? That’s just English class for illiterate foreigners. Get real."
"Don't even get me started about ‘multiculturalism’," the Second Lady barked, her fingers flying up to indicate quote marks once again. "That’s plain race-mixing, no two ways about it. And I won’t talk about ‘people of color’, either. Don’t get me wrong and misquote me, now. It’s not like I have anything against Chinamen, Mexicans, or any of the various backward Bushmen around the world, but I’m an old-fashioned girl. I’m going to call a spade a spade, pardun the pun, and not be ashamed about it."
Mrs. Cheney ended the press-conference abruptly saying, "that’s all I’ve got to say, and I don’t have time for questions from you liberal liars. I’ve got a luncheon at a country club to go to. It’s not an ‘exclusive’ country club, mind you, it’s a club for rich, white Christians only!" With that, she stalked away, muttering something about "damn Jews and pinkos" under her breath.