The Brachiator

The fake news, as reported by Hylo Bates. Updated 19 March, 2006
March 2006: I've added a couple "new" pieces.
They were written between one and two years ago,
but either not finished, or left hidden in the Brachiator vault.
You can access my Artwork Pages or my short stories here, too.

Creationists Win Another Battle Against Scientists in Kansas Schools

Students to Receive Equal Instruction on Round-Earth and Flat-Earth Theories

March 2006, ABP: In a landmark ruling, the Kansas Supreme Court today upheld the ruling of a lesser district court and dealt another victory to Creationists and conservative Christians. Last August, a group composed of high school teachers, scientists, and film actor Alec Baldwin filed suit, claiming that a new law in Topeka Kansas—which requires public school curricula to include instruction of the so-called “Flat-Earth theory” in equal time to that given to the Round-Earth theory—was unconstitutional. The 3rd District Court of Kansas ruled in favor of the School Board, however, saying that the decision was “a local matter, not to be influenced by outside lawyers and artists.” Read more...

Gaza Israelis Protest Forced Removal

Settlers Oblivious to Irony of Own Outrage

17 August, 2005 Gaza: As Jewish Settlers clashed for a second day with the Israeli soldiers sent in to insure their evacuation from Gaza, none of them seemed to comprehend the extreme irony created by their struggle to remain in their homes.


Normal, Healthy Person Trapped Inside John Ashcroft’s Psyche

Suppression the Taliban Would be Proud of

June 18, 2003 John Ashcroft’s Subconscious: An almost entirely complete human being exists in a state of permanent suppression in the nether regions of Attorney General John Ashcroft’s brain, his subconscious revealed yesterday. “You think the people of Afghanistan suffered…you should see how brutally this poor guy’s been suppressed for more than fifty years,” a long-forgotten region in the brain of the country’s highest-ranking legal officer told reporters. Read more...

Bush Unveils Phase Two of Military Revamp

Proposes Abstinence-Only Medical Training

Campaign Trail, 17 August, 2004: A day after he proposed a radical realignment in the placement of US military personnel around the world, President Bush announced the second part of his plan to create a “new posture” for the armed forces. Citing the number of US casualties in Iraq, the Commander in Chief declared that “the time for a new error [sic] in training and philosophy is at hand.” Read more...

Bush Administration Announces Outsourcing of Key Government Positions.

Four Cabinet Positions Sent to India, Two to Vietnam.

Washington DC, August 23, 2004: A week after proposing a massive overhaul of US military forces around the globe, the Bush administration has now made an even more surprising move, sending six key government positions overseas in an effort to trim the Whitehouse budget, Presidential Spokesman Ari Fleischer told reporters this morning.

Sole Tattoo-less Bather Ridiculed By Fellow Swimmers

Called ‘Unoriginal’ and ‘Poser’

Janesville Wisconsin. August 5, 2004: Keith Kowalski, 24, was the target of verbal abuse yesterday, when he showed up at the Rockport swimming pool without a tattoo, the bank teller reported from poolside. Meeting several of his coworkers for an afternoon swim, Kowalski, a life-long resident of Janesville, was planning on a few hours of fun and relaxation. His hopes faded quickly upon arrival. Read more...

Area Man Continually Joking About Fact That He Constantly Masturbates

East Lansing, Michigan. August 2, 2004: Twenty-three-year-old graduate student Aaron “Spanky” Cutter is fooling no one with his never-ending jokes and side-comments about his own auto-erotic lifestyle, friends and classmates reported early today. Read more...

Cold-hearted Orphan Girl Selfishly Insensitive to Plight of Infertile Couples

February 2, 2004. Toledo Ohio: Nine-year-old orphan, Talea Olsen, may seem like a cute, precocious girl on the verge of adolescence, but she’s actually a self-centered, unfeeling bitch. That is, at least, according to her foster-parents’ neighbors, Jennifer and Richard Cumberland. The Cumberlands have babysat Talea several times over the past four months since she was placed in the home of Barbara and Gary Meyer, but that won’t be happening again, Mrs. Cumberland reported from the couple’s den. Read more...

Falwell Reflects on 2003

“Best Year Yet for Christians”

January 15, 2004: In a statement released on his website,, Jerry Falwell yesterday proclaimed the year of 2003 “…the most successful year for Christianity in more than a century.”

“Under the leadership of a good, God-fearing President and an exceptionally just and Godly Attorney General, the United States has enjoyed a year of victory and prosperity and heralded a return of faith around the globe,” the short essay began. “More importantly,” it continued, “we’ve seen a definite and positive response from The Lord.” Read more...

Obsessive-Compulsive Woman Admits Responsibility for Tragic Traffic Accident

Failure to Complete Precise, Number-3-based Ritual Causes Fatal Pile-up in Neighboring Town

August 20, 2003, Lakewood Colorado: Camille Rosewood, a 36-year-old claims adjuster for a Colorado insurance company, expressed shame and regret over her lapse in concentration which led to the deaths of six people on a highway outside Denver yesterday. Rosewood, who has suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for more than a decade, has a number of intricate routines she engages in on a daily basis out of a belief that failure to do so will result in bodily harm to someone she loves, or—as yesterday’s tragedy illustrates—complete strangers. Read more...

New Employee’s Nebulous Affliction a Mystery to Coworkers

Confusion hinders natural course of mockery and ridicule.

August 15, 2003. Seattle Washington: Employees at Westcoast Marketing Network, a local advertising agency, are experiencing confusion and apprehension over the presence of a new coworker, they confessed in separate interviews yesterday. The appearance and mannerisms of the recently-hired copyright editor, Edgar Rhames, have been the topic of much thought over the past week, but almost completely avoided in the way of conversation. Rhames was described alternately by three different employees as “strange and bizarre,” “goofy, unkempt, and kind of scary-looking,” and “almost, like, retarded or something…definitely a few bricks short of a full wall”. Read more...

Alcoholics, Pedophiles, at Least One Murderer Express Outrage Over Election of Gay Bishop.

August 9, 2003. Concord N.H.: Days after a panel of lay and clergy Episcopalians selected 56-year-old Rev. V. Gene Robinson to be their next bishop, protests continue to be voiced around the world. Joining people from Nigeria to Nevada in decrying the historic choice of an openly-gay man to the position, a local group of concerned citizens voiced their opposition in a rally at the courthouse this morning. Read more…

Straight Guy Upset No One Hits on Him at Gay Bar.

Lawrence Kansas, August 17, 2003: Steve Butcher, a 25-year-old cable installer, expressed confusion and dismay over not being hit on during either of his two visits to the local gay bar, friends reported yesterday. The single, heterosexual man, who’s attended The Left Hand’s “Retro Friday” dance party with several friends two times in the past five weeks, is apparently honestly troubled by his lack of gay sex appeal. Read more...

Free-thinking Skeptic Notices Unusual Marks on Photographs

Rationally Attributes Them to “Some Kind of Light Thing” and Goes About Life.

August 11, 2003. Athens Georgia: Calvin Black, a local engineer who likes to describe himself as “a devout atheist”, blatantly ignored the possibility of supernatural phenomena—such as ghosts, guardian angels, or photo-sensitive demon warriors—when he casually viewed his family’s vacation photos in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Read more…

Church Officials Ambivalent About New “Hip Hop” Bible

August 4, 2003: When the former gangster rapper known as Dread-E Ed, now a born again Baptist minister preaching under the name The Save-Ed, held a press conference last week to announce his completion of a new Bible translation, few in the industry (either music or religious) took much notice. Read more…

Reformed Homosexual Happily Married and Resisting Sin

With Help of Christ, Able to Ignore Succulent Asses of Young Men

August 5, 2003. Padukah Kentucky: Raymod Keller, an admitted “former homosexual” who found Jesus Christ a year and a half ago, reports that he is satisfied with his marriage and doesn’t miss satisfying, reciprocal sex with other men. Likening his life and the road ahead of him to that of a reformed alcoholic, Keller admitted it isn’t always easy. Read more…

Romance between Wealthy Maverick and Prostitute ends in Tragedy

Hollywood-esque relationship takes unexpected, violent turn.

Los Angelos, California. August 15, 2003: The love affair between single millionaire Morris Etherton and veteran prostitute Kallie “Special K” Woods had all the makings of a touching romantic-comedy, friends recalled yesterday, as they quietly gathered to mourn Etherton’s untimely death. The fairy tale ended Tuesday in a nameless, dark alley in one of LA’s poorer urban neighborhoods, as the suave, quirky bachelor died in a hail of bullets fired from the gun of Woods’ alleged pimp, Maurice “G-Play” Griffen. Read more...

Leading Republican Wives Getting Sick of “War on Terror” Crap

Mrs. Ashcroft and Mrs. Rumsfeld Fed Up With Hubbies

June 25, 2003 Washington DC: Several members of the White House Wives’ Club are feeling growing frustration because their husbands seem to be bringing the “War on Terror” home with them. An anonymous source reported to The Brachiator that Janet Ashcroft and Joyce Rumsfeld began discussing their husbands’ at-home behavior at the Wives’ Club luncheon yesterday afternoon, and “…they just went off!” (Read more...)

George W. Bush Makes Surprising Discovery in White House Attic

Calls old yearbooks from daddy’s administration, “fucking hilarious”.

June 16, 2003 Washington DC: Taking a break from his grueling schedule of playing golf and giving press conferences that require him to pronounce difficult words such as “peaceful resolution”, George W. Bush took several hours to look through the attic of the White House yesterday evening. Sources inside the White House tell The Brachiator that the President was “profoundly amused” by one of his discoveries during the foray: a chest of mementos and photo albums from his father’s administration. (Read more...)

Warrant Issued for Thomas Jefferson’s Arrest

Attorney General John Ashcroft makes startling announcement.

Washington DC, June 15 2003 :At a surprise press-conference at the White House today, Attorney General John Ashcroft and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that the Justice Department was issuing a warrant for the arrest of one Thomas Jefferson. As one out of four high school seniors in America ( and one out of two of the most recent American Presidents) is aware, Mr. Jefferson was the third President of the United States. He is also considered the author of the Declaration of Independence, and it is this last fact that has apparently landed him “on the lam”. (Read more...)

“Feel Good” Movie Leaves Everyone in Audience Feeling Bad

Emotions Range From Malaise to Disappointment to Rage

September 22, 2002; Galesburg Illinois: A recent viewing of M. Night Shyamalan’s “Signs” at the Galesburg Multiplex was not enjoyed by a single person who saw the 7:35 show. What many have described as a “feel good” movie, had the opposite effect on this particular audience. (Read more...)

Pot and Kettle Finally Settle Differences

Opinions Split on Mended Relationship

The Kitchen, October 28, 2002; In a bilateral move that surpised kitchen pundits and utensils alike, long-time enemies Pot and Kettle announced an end to hostilities yesterday. The pair, speaking from the stovetop where they were relaxing after an evening wash, appeared calm and united, a stark contrast to their relationship in the past. For decades, the pair of culinary heavyweights have kept the entire food-preparation area on edge with their constant bickering and name-calling. (Read more...)

NRA Issues Dire Warning to Members

Be on Alert for Attack After Recent Events

November 1st, 2002: In their monthly newsletter mailed to several hundred thousand American homes Wednesday, the NRA cautioned its members to be “ever more vigilant” in the wake of recent events around the world. Much as it did last October, the organization warned gun-owners to beware of “foes of the second Amendment who would use recent tragedy to further their own cause.” (Read more...)

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and Culture
Sports, Television,
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Pop Versus Soda Debate Turns Deadly

Three dead and numerous wounded in vernacular war at small college.

January 23, 2001. Ferrell Wisconsin: Three students were killed and numerous others were injured when a brawl erupted at the Ferrell College commons during Tuesday's lunch. Names of the fatalities have not been released, but Dean of Students Vick Flanagan reported that two sophomores and one first-year student had died of injuries sustained in the cafeteria brawl at Chapin Hall. Seven other students and a food service employee were treated for injuries at the local hospital, too. Read more...

Groups Join Forces to Oppose Religion in Schools

Posting of Five Pillars Outrages Many

January 5, 2001. Hattiesburg, Mississippi: A new school policy in the small coastal community of Pascagoula Mississippi has draw sharp criticism from parents, some teachers, and the ACLU. Late last month, the Jackson County R-7 School District okayed a plan to post the Five Pillars of Islam in its classrooms. The effort, Superintendent Earl Chaumers explained at the time, was intended to "...restore morals and ethics to the institution of public education." Read more...

Mardi Gras Celebration Marred by Peace and Lawfulness

No One Injured, Few Arrested, Many Dismayed

New Orleans, February 28, 2001: It was anything but business as usual for police officers and party-goers alike last night, as the city wrapped up Mardi Gras celebrations. No one was injured and very few people were arrested in the tamest "Fat Tuesday" in recent memory. Many revelers and would-be rioters were discouraged, and some were outraged, at this deviation from the traditional culmination of Mardi Gras. Read more...

Top 8 List, 2000: The Top 8 New Names For North Dakato

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