Brachiator Archives

Society and Culture

2,400 Attend “Million Dead-beat Dad March” in Washington

Organizers Disappointed With Low Turnout

May 8th, 2001, Washington DC: A smaller-than-expected crowd of men from around the country gathered yesterday across the street from the Whitehouse in what organizers had dubbed the “Million Dead-beat Dad March”. Police estimated the crowd to be around 2,250 people, while Marlon Shirk, a spokesmen for the march, guessed that the crowd was closer to 2,600 strong. Read more...

New Parents Dismayed by Friends’ Rudeness

Suddenly Everyone Else Self-Absorbed

Santa Clara, California. March 20, 2002: The immense joy and exuberance Jackie and Marcus Shelton have experienced due to the birth of their first child has been routinely diminished by the selfishness and rudeness of their peers, the couple reported yesterday afternoon. The pair, in their second year of marriage, have even begun actively seeking a new group of friends, because their current one shows such apathy toward Morgan, their 8-month-old daughter. Read more...

Mardi Gras Celebration Marred by Peace and Lawfulness

No One Injured, Few Arrested, Many Dismayed

New Orleans, February 28, 2001: It was anything but business as usual for police officers and party-goers alike last night, as the city wrapped up Mardi Gras celebrations. No one was injured and very few people were arrested in the tamest "Fat Tuesday" in recent memory. Many revelers and would-be rioters were discouraged, and some were outraged, at this deviation from the traditional culmination of Mardi Gras. Read more...

Site for 8th Grade Fieldtrip Reevaluated After Rowdy Outing

Teacher Admits, Cave Wasn’t Best Choice

Park Hills, Kentucky; October 30, 2002: A day after a fieldtrip she’d organized for her 8th grade class deteriorated into a giggle and laugh-fest that culminated in the group being asked to leave the premises and never return, teacher Sandra Mortenson expressed regret. She also questioned her selecting Marionsville Ice-caverns as a suitable site for an outing with 27 adolescents, many of whom have hormonal hurricanes raging inside their young bodies. “Yeah, I really wasn’t thinking when I decided to take the kids to the cave,” the thirty-four year old teacher, a veteran of eleven years in the classroom, said today as she sipped coffee in the teachers’ lounge. Read more...

Sante Fe Dodecatuplets Born After 17-hour Labor

Parents Overjoyed by "Miracle"

July 5, 2001. Sante Fe: James and Susan Schmidt welcomed twelve new children into their family yesterday after a seventeen hour labor. James Schmidt, who along with his wife had gained international attention in the past several months, announced the birth to reporters early this morning, proclaiming the birth "...a glorious miracle". Susan, who was confined to bed rest just five weeks into her pregnancy, found out she was carrying at least ten babies in April, and doctors finally determined the exact number to be twelve just three weeks ago. Read More...

Local Teen Unleashes New Comedic Technique onto Friends

Use of Basic Anatomical Term Adds to Hilarity

March 8, 2001, Mount Vernon, Illinois: In a move one source called "simple genius", Dan Barker achieved a new level of humor in his everyday jesting and joking by reintroducing a basic anatomical term into his peer-group’s vernacular yesterday. Barker, a Junior at Mt. Vernon Township Highschool, pulled off the unexpected verbal feat in the school cafeteria while eating lunch with several of his friends. Read more...

Pop Versus Soda Debate Turns Deadly

Three dead and numerous wounded in vernacular war at small college.

January 23, 2001. Ferrell Wisconsin: Three students were killed and numerous others were injured when a brawl erupted at the Ferrell College commons during Tuesday's lunch. Names of the fatalities have not been released, but Dean of Students Vick Flanagan reported that two sophomores and one first-year student had died of injuries sustained in the cafeteria brawl at Chapin Hall. Seven other students and a food service employee were treated for injuries at the local hospital, too. Read more...

College Student Injured in Fraternity House

Apparent Would-be Superhero Savagely Beaten in "Bizarre" Incident

February 3, 2001. Lawrence Kansas: Edgar Vandertal, a Junior at Kansas University, is in serious condition today after allegedly suffering a severe beating at a local fraternity house last night. Authorities are still trying to piece together the events that led up to Vandertal's injuries. Police Captain Richard Tasker said in a telephone interview earlier today that, "so far, the story is pretty bizarre". Read more...

Naïve New Employee Offers Feedback to Company

Any Hopes of Effecting Change Quickly Dashed

Olathe, Kansas. March 26, 2002: Despite countless warnings from coworkers to save her breath, Angela Dobbs went ahead with plans yesterday to have a face to face discussion with her superiors at Royce and Kelley Medical Laboratories yesterday. Though she went into the appointment with optimism and a youthful zest for change, Angela returned looking downtrodden and reportedly told coworkers that the meeting “totally sucked”. Read more...

Political Analyst Really Likes German Words

February 12, 2001. Washington DC: Carlton Fitzgerald has been a political analyst for twenty years, having worked for both Newsweek magazine as well as CBS news, and he currently writes a column for the Boston Globe. In his expert opinion, “there are some German words that just explain things so much better than any English word or phrase”. Read more...

Bill Clinton Considers Name Change -- Formerly "Cool" Mom Now Just "Creepy"

Area Teen Likes to Laugh at Grandfather -- Area Woman Thumbs Nose at Taliban

Woman Dismayed by Conspicuous Absence of Dead Father
Friend Baffled by her Stupidity

All works original and copywrited by Hylo Bates, 2000-2003
Legal mumbo-jumbo is here.