Bush Unveils Phase Two of Military Revamp

Proposes Abstinence-Only Medical Training

Campaign Trail, 17 August, 2004: A day after he proposed a radical realignment in the placement of US military personnel around the world, President Bush announced the second part of his plan to create a “new posture” for the armed forces. Citing the number of US casualties in Iraq, the Commander in Chief declared that “the time for a new error [sic] in training and philosophy is at hand.”

“Even though it was worth it to remove an evil dictator from power, we’ve lost too many good sons and daughters, husbands and wives,” Bush said somberly, speaking to a group of retired people in Columbus, Ohio. He went on to explain that he believes the armed forces’ medical training is the problem. “They’re trained with the latest methods, and they’ve got the best equipment,” he acknowledged, “but they’ve been taught the wrong philosophy. They’re going about it backwards.”

“We teach our men and women what to do, how to save lives and fix wounds, after they’ve already been wounded,” he continued, pursing his lips in a thoughtful pause. “That’s doing our brave men and women a disservice. We need to focus our attention on teaching them not to get wounded in the first place.”

“Now I know some people—liberals and so-called scientists—won’t like this idea. They’ll say we need to teach our people how to deal with getting shot or blowed up [sic]. But let’s remember…they’ve been saying the same thing about teaching our boys and girls how to have sex and wear condoms, and look where that’s got us.”

Pausing again, Bush smiled proudly, before adding defiantly, “but we Texans, we good, god-fearing Texans…we came up with a better way. We didn’t waste time on the various methods of sin; we told our kids not to have sex in the first place. And look, Texas leads the nation in teen-pregnancies every year!”

For the next several minutes, the President presented details of his proposal, explaining how soldiers would be instructed only in how to avoid being injured or wounded. Then he accepted several questions from the gathered press.

When a reporter asked how soldiers who did come to be wounded would know how to take care of themselves, or their fellow soldiers, Bush snorted derisively and shook his head. “See…that’s what I’m talking about. You’re thinking about this from the wrong direction. See, you gotta [sic] look it in the mouth. We tell them not to get wounded. They don’t get wounded in the first place, they don’t need first aid.”

Another reporter tried to point out that, when it’s said that Texas “leads the nation” in teen pregnancies or std-transmission, it actually means that these problems are greater in the Lone Star State than in others. After a blank look and a slight nod from the President, the reporter clarified: “it means, the abstinence-only system isn’t working, that it’s—“

“Now wait just a minute,” Bush interrupted. “Don’t you go twisting the statistics to fit your own agenda. Condi Rice and my friends on the Christian Education Council tell me every year how we lead the nation, not only in sex education, but in violent crime, air quality decline, and gun deaths, so don’t go and try your liberal media tricks on me.”

Calls to the Joint Chiefs of Staff for comment on the new policy went unanswered. A representative of the Kerry-Edwards team, when told about the announcement, laughed uncontrollably for several minutes before wiping his eyes and saying, “wait…are you serious? He actually said that?” Then, after thinking for a moment and shaking his head, he added, “Abstinence-based medical training, huh. Wow. I guess the President thought of that one all by himself. Yeah, you can tell.”

(c)Hylo Bates, 2004
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