Brachiator Archives


Groups Join Forces to Oppose Religion in Schools

Posting of Five Pillars Outrages Many

January 5, 2001. Hattiesburg, Mississippi: A new school policy in the small coastal community of Pascagoula Mississippi has draw sharp criticism from parents, some teachers, and the ACLU. Late last month, the Jackson County R-7 School District okayed a plan to post the Five Pillars of Islam in its classrooms. The effort, Superintendent Earl Chaumers explained at the time, was intended to "...restore morals and ethics to the institution of public education." Read more....

Church and State Reconcile

After 250-year separation, couple back together again.

Washington DC. Jan. 3, 2001: Church and State announced through their representatives today that they have agreed to reunite after a long separation. Appearing together, spokeswoman for the Church, Sister Mary-Francis and spokesman for the State, Stanley Wright made the happy announcement. "This long, bleak period in world history is at an end," Wright exclaimed loudly. Read more...

Bush Wins Second Appeal This Year

Decision seen as serious blow to Santa.

Washington DC. Dec. 21, 2000: For the second time this month, George W. Bush benefitted from a Supreme Court decision. The court, in a 5-4 decision, overturned the ruling of the North Pole District 1 Court. The lower court's decision last month upheld Santa's right to check his list twice, rejecting the arguments of lawyers for the Bush family who argued that such "recounting" undermined the constitution of the United States. Read more...

Ashcroft Targets Figure Skaters and Gymnasts

Attorney General vows to Clean Up the Olympics

Washington DC. March 10, 2002: After his successful attempt to clean up the nation’s Capitol by having a partially nude statue covered, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced that he will be widening his war against the partially and scantily-clad and that it’s a battle that might go on for years. Last month, Ashcroft ordered the Spirit of Justice Statue—which has stood in the Justice Department Building for seven decades and depicts a female figure with a breast exposed—be covered with a drape that ended up costing the government 8,000 dollars. Read more...

Ashcroft Urges Nation to Return to "Good Old Days"

Attorney General Ushers in New Old Era With Old-fashioned Book-Burning

Jefferson City, MO: Sept 1, 2002: From the steps of the State Capitol Building where he once reigned as Governor, US Attorney General John Ashcroft spoke passionately today about his vision for the future of the country. "Just as I did for the people of Missouri, I have dedicated myself to making this country the great nation it was sixty years ago," the ardent Republican bellowed in a voice that would have made his father, a Pentacostal preacher, proud. Read more...

Nation’s Supply of Irony Completely Exhausted by Bush Administration

Washington DC, July 28,2002: Officials at the International Registry of National Irony Content (IRONIC) announced today that the United States’ allotment of the vital literary tool has been completely exhausted by the current administration. The Registry had issued repeated warnings during the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal that the nation’s stock was running dangerously low and current trends pointed toward complete depletion by 2006, but few in American politics paid the dire prediction any heed. However, after George W. Bush was appointed President in 2001, the irony-guzzling power of American politics increased tenfold, and IRONIC Chairman Ira “Nick” Bernstein confirmed in a press conference this morning that the last drop of irony had been squeezed out of the international reserve. Read More...

Lynne Cheney Chooses Cause

Second Lady Speaks Out Against Political Correctness

Washington DC, January 24, 2001. Lynne Cheney wasted no time in becoming an active Second Lady today, just days after her husband, Dick Cheney, was sworn in as Vice President of the United States. Though she is going to break tradition and maintain several jobs in the private sector, Mrs. Cheney assured a group of reporters that she will also perform the normal Second Lady functions of championing causes and having tea parties. Read more...

Bush Twins’ Life of Crime Continues

Girls Held in County Jail After Violent Crime Spree

June 7, 2001; Sherwood Ohio: Continuing a recent trend, George W. Bush’s daughters, Jenna and Barbara, found themselves in legal trouble once again yesterday. This time the pair, who were caught violating underage drinking laws last week in Texas, were arrested in Ohio after a two-day, cross-country crime spree. Details and evidence are still being gathered, but at this point it appears the girls went on an alcohol and cocaine binge that allegedly culminated in a car-jacking and shooting. Read more...

All works original and copywrited by Hylo Bates, 2000-2003
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