June 7, 2001; Sherwood Ohio: Continuing a recent trend, George W. Bush’s daughters, Jenna and Barbara, found themselves in legal trouble once again yesterday. This time the pair, who were caught violating underage drinking laws last week in Texas, were arrested in Ohio after a two-day, cross-country crime spree. Details and evidence are still being gathered, but at this point it appears the girls went on an alcohol and cocaine binge that allegedly culminated in a car-jacking and shooting.
Police Chief of Sherwood Ohio, Edward Elfman, declined to comment on the crime or the girls’ involvement, saying only "You think I want to get audited every year for the rest of my life?"
An anonymous source, however, reported that the girls were being charged with criminal possession of a controlled substance, possession of an unregistered firearm, car-jacking, kidnapping, assault with a deadly weapon, grand theft auto, criminal tampering, forgery, indecent exposure, sodomy, and several other "related charges". The source predicted that, after a meeting with Attorney General John Ashcroft, authorities would drop most of the charges in a "plea bargain", and the girls would merely face a charge of disturbing the peace and be "sent home with their father". For now, the twins are being held in the County Jail in Sherwood.
Allegedly, after consuming unknown quantities of alcohol–purchased with fake identification–and cocaine, the girls stole a car and drove it from Texas to Illinois. There, they’re believed to have purchased more beer with forged checks, car-jacked an elderly woman outside Bloomington, and continued on their way toward Washington DC. Their alleged crime spree, which seemed to gain audacity and momentum as it continued, finally ended violently in a shoot-out with police in this normally-quiet Ohio town. Elfman did confirm that no one was injured in the shoot out, though he insisted, "I’m not saying the Bush girls were or were not involved in the matter. Make sure you print that!"
Prominent public officials, as they did during the girls’ other legal troubles, are remaining tight-lipped about the news. Several Senators on Capitol Hill refused to comment, and most others were loathe to pass judgement. "It’s an internal family matter," Sen. Phil Graham said solemnly, "it would be unreasonable for me to express an opinion at this point." Graham then added that, "...we all have moments of youthful indiscretion in our pasts that we’d rather forget. I mean who didn’t get a little too drunk in college and set off all the fire alarms or something to that effect?"
Former Senator Gary Hart was sympathetic to the girls as well, saying "Heck, I smoked weed like a Mexican back in college, and there’s no telling how many drunk chicks I slept with in that first year, but I turned out okay." Hart then added, "those girls are just being kids, and I hope the media backs off and lets them grow and mature in their own time."
Three years ago, when a California newspaper reported that Chelsea Clinton had skipped a class at Stanford to sleep in after staying up late watching Jerry Springer, Pat Robertson railed about the young Clinton’s indiscretion on his television talk show, The 700 Club. "It can hardly surprise us," Robertson began his criticism on the March 13, 1998 broadcast, "when the daughter of such a godless sinner, such as the philandering, immoral, whoremongering liar as Bill Clinton, displays such a callous disregard for all that is good and decent in our society. It is typical liberal hypocrisy that the First Family repeatedly flouts the law while expecting everyone else to abide by it." Concluding the twelve-minute diatribe describing how "...the sinful seed of Bill had obviously passed on the family wickedness to Chelsea," Robertson ended by telling the viewers that he felt "...deep pity for the poor girl". However, Robertson has declined to criticize the Bush daughters to date.
Other prominent conservatives who were vocal in condemning President Clinton for various moral infractions–figures like Rush Limbaugh, Pat Buchanen, and John Ashcroft–have also refused to level such criticism at President Bush. "It’s none of our business really, and with the help of God and their strong, loving family, the Bush girls will get through this," Buchanen told a reporter this morning.
"Shame on the media for running such vitriol as a news story," Attorney General Ashcroft admonished Dan Rather yesterday evening on the CBS news. Rather had just finished a story which suggested that, under laws passed by then-Governor George W. Bush in Texas, Jenna and Barbara would be in jail serving serious prison terms were they not "children of privilege". "That is utterly absurd," Ashcroft ranted, "and just another example of the vicious lies the liberal media presents as fact." Obviously flustered, the Attorney General gathered his composure before adding, "I can’t believe any God-fearing American would suggest these beautiful, innocent, Christian girls should go to prison like common criminals. It’s not like the girls are poor or Mexican or something."