Washington DC. March 10, 2002: After his successful attempt to clean up the nation’s Capitol by having a partially nude statue covered, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced that he will be widening his war against the partially and scantily-clad and that it’s a battle that might go on for years. Last month, Ashcroft ordered the Spirit of Justice Statue—which has stood in the Justice Department Building for seven decades and depicts a female figure with a breast exposed—be covered with a drape that ended up costing the government 8,000 dollars.
The move comes at a time when Ashcroft--whose nomination to the office of Attorney General was opposed by many Democrats and liberals a year ago--has enjoyed popular support due to the US war against the repressive Taliban Regime in Afghanistan. And the Attorney General appears ready to let his momentum roll.
In a press conference held yesterday, the Attorney General announced that he next hopes to combat the “…lewd and racy element prevalent in so much of the nation’s sporting events.” He claimed to have been inspired while watching the Olympics, and said “my ability to enjoy this time-honored competition among nations was hampered time and again by the rippling muscles and protruding soft places of powerful athletes.
“I was particularly shocked and offended by the ice skating events,” Ashcroft told a room full of bewildered reporters. “Those outfits were so revealing. And you had all those lithe young women with their taught muscles and supple unmentionables just bulging out for all to see.” Stopping to dab sweat from his brow, the Attorney General continued, “And then there were the men, with their questionable sexuality and bulbous…bulbous…” Here Ashcroft trailed off and took a moment to regain his composure.
“I will be issuing an official request to the International Olympic committee in the coming months asking that they develop some clothing guidelines that are family-friendly. If they refuse, I will urge President Bush to boycott the 2004 Summer games.” The Attorney general specifically cited gymnastics and track and field as being “full of visually offensive attire”.
Asked what other facets of American culture he might target in his new war, Ashcroft reported that he’s compiling a long and detailed list. “Anyone from ballerinas and professional wrestlers, to topless dancers and aerobics instructors should be put on alert,” he announced. “Americans have the right to go about their daily routines without being reminded that we’re all dirty, sinful, naked beings under our clothes.”