Ashcroft Urges Nation to Return to "Good Old Days"

Attorney General Ushers in New Old Era With Old-Fashioned Book-Burning

Jefferson City, MO: Sept 1, 2002: From the steps of the State Capitol Building where he once reigned as Governor, US Attorney General John Ashcroft spoke passionately today about his vision for the future of the country. "Just as I did for the people of Missouri, I have dedicated myself to making this country the great nation it was sixty years ago," the ardent Republican bellowed in a voice that would have made his father, a Pentacostal preacher, proud.

As the Attorney General spoke, several dumptrucks backed onto the Capitol lawn and deposited a large pile of books and papers into a mound not far away. "And now, if you'll join me," Ashcroft said, anticipation rising in his voice, "please step this way and help me take a giant step backward for our beautiful country." As the crowd of spectators and reporters watched in stunned silence, the AG poured a copious ammount of gasoline on the pile of books--by such authors as Mark Twain, Erica Jong, Al Franken, Martin Luther King, Gloria Steinam, and other "liberal traitors and instigators". Then, in a grand gesture, Ashcroft lit an oversized match and tossed it onto the pile with both hands. Several on-lookers cheered, while most stood in varying stages of shock, while the heap of literature burned in a raging inferno.

But the Attorney General wasn't finished there. The man who had once tried to outlaw all forms of birth control during his term as Missouri Attorney General, had one more surprise in store for his audience. After retrieving a parcel from one of his aides, Aschroft produced a large, shining copy of the US Constitution, held it briefly above his head, and then--as if making a sacrifice before his god--threw it onto the top of the burning pire. As everyone stood in dumbfounded silence, Ashcroft brushed his hands together and smiled triumphantly. Then, as if remembering something, he held up a finger and said, "Ah...don't worry folks. I'm not throwing out the baby with the bathwater." And retrieving another parcel, the AG lifted out a gold-plated copy of the second amendment and held it aloft for the crowd to see. "Join me in forging a new chapter in the history of our nation, as we boldly undertake to return the United States to the glory imagined by our founding fathers. With this--" here, he pumped the second Amendment in the air vigorously, "--as the cornerstone, we will write a new constitution that the liberals and queers cannot tarnish. Join me, fellow god-fearing Americans." With that, the Attorney General and all of his aides pulled automatic weapons from beneath their jackets and fired them into the air. Most in the crowd ran for cover.

(c)Hylo Bates, 2002
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