January 1, 2001. Washington DC. Church and State announced through their representatives today that they have agreed to reunite after a long separation. Appearing together, spokeswoman for the Church, Sister Mary-Francis and spokesman for the State, Stanley Wright made the happy announcement. “This long, bleak period in world history is at an end,” Wright exclaimed loudly.
Mary-Francis added that the couple was in seclusion making up for lost time. “They know it may be rocky at first, but they are committed to making their relationship work this time,” she told reporters. The spokeswoman added that the couple is optimistic and is making many plans for the future. “I know they plan on trying to rekindle their old spark,” she said, a twinkle in her eye. “When I met with them this morning, they spoke fondly of the Inquisitions and Crusades they had enjoyed together early in their marriage.”
Wright expounded on plans for the future, saying that his client hoped to appoint a “Minister of Faith” before the end of the week. “Depending on how things work out,” Mr. Wright explained, “the State hopes to follow up that with appointments of both a Minister of Thought and a Secretary of Sacraments.”
Friends of the couple were overjoyed at news of the couple’s revival. Reverend Jerry Falwell said he was “…thrilled by this wonderful miracle.” “I’ve been trying to get them to reconcile for decades,” he told reporters. “I’ve been thwarted by love-hating instigators like the ACLU and other liberal heathens, but now God’s glory shines on us all.”
”It’s wonderful,” Attorney General and long-time friend of the Church, John Ashcroft exclaimed. “I’ve been telling [the Church] to reunite with [the State] for years.” Ashcroft said he was highly optimistic about the future. “I know one of the first things [the Church] wants to do is put the Bible back in schools and get [the State] to make welfare mothers wear a scarlet W on their clothes. But I have even bigger plans for the future,” the exuberant son of a preacher said. “Now that they’re back together, I hope we can get rid of that whole damn Bill of Rights once and for all!”
The couple’s two children, Intolerance and Persecution, who’d kept a low profile in recent decades, were unavailable for immediate comment. But, as Wright put it, “I think you’ll be seeing a lot more of those two in the days to come, as they celebrate the happy union of their parents once more.”