Bush wins second appeal this year.

Decision seen as serious blow to Santa.

Washington DC. Dec. 21,2000

For the second time this month, George W. Bush benefitted from a Supreme Court decision. The court, in a 5-4 decision, overturned the ruling of the North Pole District 1 Court. The lower court’s decision last month upheld Santa’s right to check his list twice, rejecting the arguments of lawyers for the Bush family who argued that such “recounting” undermined the constitution of the United States.

Bush filed suit against Santa on September of this year, after Republican operatives disguised as elves reported that both he and his wife, Laura, had been moved from the Nice list to the Naughty. The Bush lawyer, Geoffery “Bearcat” Walden, argued that Santa’s reevaluation of the couple’s behavior over the past year “constitutes an unfair level of scrutiny by arbitrary standards,” and that the jolly one could not subject American Citizens to judgement that had “not been established by a state within the Union.” Walden made a similar argument to the High Court Wednesday.

Santa’s lawyer, Lilly Pushon, stood on a milk crate to be seen over the podium and made her arguments. She reiterated Father Christmas’s assertion that he not only has a right, but a duty to check his list numerous times to insure that naughty children do not receive gifts earmarked for nice ones. “This practice is based on a moral authority and a tradition that is even older than the US constitution.” She explained that Santa, upon checking his records, had learned that George W. Bush’s behavior for the year had been mixed up with his father George H. W. Bush. After clearing the mix up and checking the younger Bush’s record, he found that the Governor was “responsible for imprisoning people for crimes which he himself has committed.” Further, Pushon argued that it is “entirely possible that this man has executed innocent people in the state of Texas.” Laura Bush, Pushon explained, had been permanently placed on the Naughty List after running a stop sign as a teenager and killing another teen. “Her standing as a Debutante may have kept the Texas courts from pursuing justice, but Santa has clear-cut standards that prohibit such killers from being classified as “Nice”.

But Justice Anthony Scalia and four of the other eight Justices disagreed with the 3 foot lawyer and ruled in favor of Bush. In their twenty-seven page decision, which Scalia wrote, they overturned the lower court’s ruling and demanded “that both Bushes be returned to the Nice List immediately and compensated for the undue stress this unfair labeling has caused them.” The Court remanded the case back to the lower court for a decision on what that compensation would entail, but it left no room for discussion on the matter of list-checking. “It is unfair and unjustified,” Scalia wrote,”to subject a citizen of the United States, especially one as rich and white as George W. Bush, to these ridiculous standards which have never been subjected to official scrutiny by the government.” Later, Scalia seemed to question not only Santa’s authority but the morality of his lifestyle, writing “How can we trust an old man with such an unnatural interest in children and midgets. This poster-boy for NAMBLA, with a red felt fetish of some kind, has no right to be judging anyone...”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg authored the dissenting opinion for the four Justices who sided with Santa. Departing from the traditional “I respectfully dissent,” Ginsburg wrote “You have got to be kidding me. This court is a joke, and I’m ashamed to be associated with an ignorant lout like Scalia. He clearly had an agenda in this case, seeking to punish Santa for refusing to give assault weapons as Christmas gifts. The arrogant bastard has had it in for Santa ever since the jolly, bearded fellow rejected Scalia’s idea that presents only be delivered to children of parents who are married.” She concluded by writing, “The children of the world have been done a great disservice yet again by this atavistic cretin.”

Bush had remained silent on the matter since November, when a reporter embarrassed him, stumping the Governor by asking him to find the North Pole on a globe. The Governor reportedly pointed to Australia and said, “That’s where Santa lives...and unicorns, too!”; his publicist denied the report, however, and Bush was urged not to speak to reporters on the matter by his lawyer. After the decision, however, he broke his silence, thanking his lawyer for an “excellent and digilant effort,” and the Court for a “fair and judisherlish decision”. “The honor and dignitude have been restablished to my family,” Bush told reporters, who looked questioningly at each other and struggled to spell his verbal inventions. He concluded by adding, “I have no hard feelings toward Santa and just want to remind him that I want an AK-47 for Christmas.” Laura Bush, standing at her husband’s side, did not comment on the matter.

Santa was unavailable for comment. Pushon said only that she was “very disappointed in the Court, but not surprised.” When reached for comment, Santa’s longtime friend, the Easter Bunny, said “I told him not to mess with Texans. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been shot at down there. First of all, they don’t take kindly to guys in pink, and second of all, every yokel down there is just itching to make a stew out of me.”

(c) Hylo Bates, 2000
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