George W. Bush Makes Surprising Discovery in White House Attic

Calls old yearbooks from daddy’s administration, “fucking hilarious”.

June 16, 2003 Washington DC: Taking a break from his grueling schedule of playing golf and giving press conferences that require him to pronounce difficult words such as “peaceful resolution”, George W. Bush took several hours to look through the attic of the White House yesterday evening. Sources inside the White House tell The Brachiator that the President was “profoundly amused” by one of his discoveries during the foray: a chest of mementos and photo albums from his father’s administration.

The anonymous source, who accompanied Bush into the attic due the President’s fear of ghosts and werewolves, reported that the current leader “giggled like a schoolgirl” when he found a White House Yearbook from 1989. “Here’s a picture of my daddy when he was inogginerated [sic],” Bush reportedly said between laughs, pointing to a picture of George H. W. Bush being sworn in. “Look at his hair! And that suit.”

But the laughable fashion sense of the late 80s was only the beginning of the fun, as the junior Bush delved deeper into the chest of memories. “Oh my god! Look at this,” he exclaimed at one point, holding up a photograph of his father, then Vice President, standing for a photograph with then-President Ronald Reagan and then-Secretary of Defense Dick Chenney. “Look at little Dickie,” Bush giggled, “he looks so young. That must have been back when he’d only had one heart attack or something.”

After looking at more amusing photographs for a while, Bush moved on to some important government documents, which the aide helped him read. These proved an even bigger source of hilarity than the pictures from the past. “Hearing that, during his father’s early days in the whitehouse, Russia had been ‘the enemy’ and Iraq and Afghanistan had been ‘the good guys’ really seemed to blow his mind,” the source reported.

“He sent helicopters and chemicals to Iraq…he helped Saddam?” the President repeated to himself, a small smile of disbelief spreading across his face. “Wow…that’s like finding out he was a hippy in his younger days or something,” the source remembers him saying. And at another point, Bush looked truly dumbfounded as he exclaimed, “You mean my daddy gave guns and missiles to the Taliban?!? Oh man, what was he thinking? I’m gonna have to give him a hard time about that one.”

But the little “blast from the past” wasn’t all fun and hilarity, the White House source explained. “It also made the President pause and think deeply for a moment.” “This really makes you think, you know…about, deep stuff,” Bush reportedly said as he packed the chest back up. “I mean…times change. One day my girls could be looking back on what I’m doing today and thinking ‘oh my god…Daddy was such a dork.’”

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