The Kitchen, October 28, 2002; In a bilateral move that surpised kitchen pundits and utensils alike, long-time enemies Pot and Kettle announced an end to hostilities yesterday. The pair, speaking from the stovetop where they were relaxing after an evening wash, appeared calm and united, a stark contrast to their relationship in the past. For decades, the pair of culinary heavyweights have kept the entire food-preparation area on edge with their constant bickering and name-calling.
“It’s such a relief,” the Collander said from the plasticwear cubbard shortly after the surprising anouncement. “The atmosphere around here has been negative and almost violent for so long because those two were always fighting. It’s exciting to think what the future may hold now that this chasm in the inter-kitchen landscape has been bridged.”
“Those two have been building up to a fight for so long,” the Cutting Board reflected solemnly, “it was just expected that some day they’d have it out. I don’t really know what to say now that war has been averted. It sheds a whole new light on the dynamic in here.”
Indeed, by late this morning, the atmosphere of celebration and euphoria over the announced reconciliation had soured among many in the kitchen as they began to ponder what that new dynamic might be. “While the Pot-Kettle disputes put the room on edge for as long as we can remember, they also established a sort of balance for the area,” the Mixing Bowl explained after preparing pancake batter. “Now that we’re faced with the idea of a Pot-Kettle aliance…well, I, for one, have mixed feelings about it.” “The Pot-Kettle aliance has dramatically shifted the balance of kitchen politics,” a Butcher’s Knife agreed. “There’s no one in here who can compete with that union. Last night we were all happy to hear hostilities were at an end,” the knife explained, nodding to the other knives in his set, “but now that we’ve had time to think about it, it’s not so rosey-looking.”
The Ladle went a step further, though. “I think it’s downright dangerous,” she stated emphatically, after listening to the other utensils discussing the matter. “Both of those two like to throw their weight around in here. Now, not only is there no one to hold either one in check, but they’ve got the added strength of being united. I tell you it could prove disasterous for the entire kitchen population.” Explaining the motivation for her fears to the other residents of her drawer, Ladle pointed to dangerously hateful speech both parties have voiced in the past. “We’ve all heard Kettle gripe about ‘faggoty forks,’” she reminded the other utensils sternly, “and ever since the Wok moved to the kitchen, Pot has complained openly about the ‘Asiafication of the Kitchen’. It’s scary.”
While it’s still early to predict the long-term outcome of this new development on the kitchen stage, the majority of its residents, after celebrating the union initially, seems to be in agreement with the Ladle. Rumors have already begun to circulate that the decorative spoons will relocate to the dining room, fearful that a newly-focused Kettle might do them harm. “He’s always hated us,” one of the octet whispered anxiously just after lunch today. “Now, without Pot to keep him in check, we just really can’t feel safe in the kitchen any longer.”