June 25, 2003 Washington DC: Several members of the White House Wives’ Club are feeling growing frustration because their husbands seem to be bringing the “War on Terror” home with them. An anonymous source reported to The Brachiator that Janet Ashcroft and Joyce Rumsfeld began discussing their husbands’ at-home behavior at the Wives’ Club luncheon yesterday afternoon, and “…they just went off!”
Mrs. Ashcroft, wife of Attorney General John Ashcroft, reportedly started what quickly turned into “…an all-out bitch-fest”. Expressing an opinion that many average Americans have in the past few weeks, Janet told her colleagues that she was, “…sick to death of Johnny using the nine-eleven attacks for his own personal agenda.”
“It was bad enough when he used to hold it over my head,” she said over a cup of tea. Providing an example, she explained, “I mean, when I told him I didn’t feel like cooking his favorite meal one night, he sat me down, got all teary, and started to tell me that those brave men hadn’t given their lives in that field in Pennsylvania so that our lives would be completely disrupted like that.”
As Joyce Rumsfeld and several other wives nodded knowingly, Mrs. Ashcroft continued: “But now he’s using it with our kids. We were on the phone with [the couple’s daughter] Martha the other day, and John wanted her to bring [the couple’s grandson] Jimmy for a visit. Well, Martha said they couldn’t that weekend. There was just this long, silence on the phone, so I started to say something. John cut me off, saying some name I didn’t know, followed by several more. After about a minute, 35 names or so, I realized—“
“Oh, don’t tell me,” Mrs. Rumsfeld, wife of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, wincing.
“Yes. He was reading off from his list of World Trade Center victims. He keeps it in his breast pocket all the time,” Mrs. Ashcroft reportedly responded.
“That’s bad, but get this, girl,” Joyce purportedly countered. “The other day, we’re sitting in the den, and Don up and accuses me of cheating on him! I was so shocked. I mean, at first, I thought he was kidding, but he kept asking me ‘who is he, J? Who is he?’ and I was just like, ‘what are you talking about?’”
She continued: "He said he knew I had a lover, maybe two, and he wanted to know who they were. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that I didn’t know what he was talking about. ‘Oh no,’ he says to me, ‘you’re not turning this on me. It’s not up to me to prove you ARE having an affair, it’s up to YOU to prove that you AREN’T’. I was just like ‘Donny!’ Then he says, ‘Just because I haven’t SEEN you with anybody, doesn’t mean there’s no lover. I mean, we haven’t seen the Easter Bunny or Jesus around here, but nobody’s claiming they don’t exist, huh?’”. Here, Mrs. Rumsfeld is said to have broken down, whereby she was consoled by several other wives.
“I’m so glad I have you girls to talk to,” Mrs. Ashcroft said moments later. “And I’m glad we’ve got this,” she added, holding up a shooter of tequila. “Johnny would flip out if he knew I was drinking alcohol. He’d probably sit me down and make me watch video of the World Trade Center collapsing again or something.” Sighing heavily, the women ended the luncheon by drinking until they passed out.