February 3, 2001. Lawrence Kansas. Edgar Vandertal, a Junior at Kansas University, is in serious condition today after allegedly suffering a severe beating at a local fraternity house last night. Authorities are still trying to piece together the events that led up to Vandertal's injuries. Police Captain Richard Tasker said in a telephone interview earlier today that, "so far, the story is pretty bizarre".
"It's an ongoing investigation," Tasker said, "so I can't comment on it in detail. But at this point, it appears to be a bizarre tail of vigilantism...on two different levels. Apparently, this kid thinks he's some kind of superhero," the officer explained, contradicting his previous statment and commenting in detail on the case. "It seems he broke into the fraternity house in...well...in and effort to perform a service," Tasker said, pausing afterward. "Several of the fraternity members then attacked him, thinking he was an intruder. This is all alleged, mind you," the officer clarified, thus covering his butt legally.
Sources close to Mr. Vandertal provided a clearer, yet no-less-unusual explanation of the night's events. "You have to understand," Laura Hayes, Vandertal's next-door neighbor, told our reporter. "Edgar is pretty strange. He has it in his head that he's...well, that he's a superhero. He broke into the frat house to use his powers."
"There's more to it than that," Clark Vaughan, Vandertal's roommate, added. "See, we saw Unbreakable the other weekend, and Edgar got the idea that he's a real-life superhero, too. He says...," here the young man paused uncomfortably. "See...I don't know if you can print this," he continued, "but he thought his special ability was...well, pleasing women."
”He called himself ‘Cunnilingula’, if that helps you get the picture,” Hayes interjected.
”Yeah, he thinks he’s some kind of Don Juan when it comes to going down on women,” Vaughan continued, “but I don’t know where he got that. He’s kind of a little geek.”
”Well, he dose know how to--,” Hayes began but stopped short, blushing heavily. “Never mind,” she said hastily.
Vaughan went on to explain what he believes occurred the evening of Vandertal’s injuries. “Well, he decided that the frat house was probably a good place to find women who were in need of…pleasure. Cause, you know, the frat boys just use them and then fall asleep. They don’t worry about whether or not the women…enjoy themselves. So, Edgar got all dressed up and doused himself with cologne and headed off to the Sigma Nu house. We tried to tell him it was a stupid idea, but he’d been planning all week.”
”He’d been doing these weird tongue exercises all week,” Hayes added before blushing again and turning away.
Vaughan finished his account by saying, “I just saw all these flashing lights over at the Nu house and knew something terrible had happened. I just hope Edgar pulls through.”
”It’d be a real shame if he died,” Hayes added with a wistful smile.
Representatives from the Nu house refused to comment, other than a couple members in an upper floor window throwing empty beer cans at our reporter and yelling, “Go away, paper boy,” and some other epithets regarding his sexual orientation.