Bill Clinton Considers Name Change

July 10, 2001. Washington DC: Taking a page from figures in the entertainment industry such as Prince and Sean "Puffy" Combs, former president Bill Clinton is considering a name change, a spokeswoman told the press today.

Denying that it was due to negative perceptions associated with his name--the reason behind Combs switching from "Puff Daddy" to "P. Diddy" earlier this year--the Clinton spokeswoman insisted it was simply "...a case of the President revitalizing his image and redefining his role in the world now that he’s no longer the Commander in Chief of the greatest nation in the world. Mr. Clinton still has a vast future of possibilities ahead of him and doesn’t want to be known merely as a former president." Pundits’ theories about possible future jobs for Clinton have included college professor, talk-show host, Senator, and male escort.

The announcement comes at a time when the idea no longer appears as strange as it did when Prince first announced his nomial switch in the early 90s. Recently, even the state of North Dakota considered a name change, wondering if dropping the "North" from their official title would somehow improve the state’s image. A state administrator, speaking on condition of anonymity–which in North Dakota is hard to avoid–was quoted in the June 5 edition of Newsweek as saying "some officials have speculated that just calling the state ‘Dakota’ would help obfuscate the fact that it’s a vast wasteland of frigid desolation, possibly duping some people into traveling here voluntarily".

A short list of possible monikers the former world leader is considering was unveiled at the end of the press conference, and the Clinton spokeswoman closed by saying that the list "...will be cut to a final three choices, which the public will be urged to vote upon." Voting will take place on a special website, Names in consideration to this point include Billy-Mac, B. Diddy, El Conquistador, Dr. BJ, The Politician Formerly Known as Mr. President, Captain William T. Kirk, and Cuba Gooding III.

(C) Hylo Bates, 2001
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