The Brachiator

August 9, 2003. Concord N.H.: Days after a panel of lay and clergy Episcopalians selected 56-year-old Rev. V. Gene Robinson to be their next bishop, protests continue to be voiced around the world. Joining people from Nigeria to Nevada in decrying the historic choice of an openly-gay man to the position, a local group of concerned citizens voiced their opposition in a rally at the courthouse this morning. Read more…

Lawrence Kansas, August 17, 2003: Steve Butcher, a 25-year-old cable installer, expressed confusion and dismay over not being hit on during either of his two visits to the local gay bar, friends reported yesterday. The single, heterosexual man, who’s attended The Left Hand’s “Retro Friday” dance party with several friends two times in the past five weeks, is apparently honestly troubled by his lack of gay sex appeal. Read more...

August 11, 2003. Athens Georgia: Calvin Black, a local engineer who likes to describe himself as “a devout atheist”, blatantly ignored the possibility of supernatural phenomena—such as ghosts, guardian angels, or photo-sensitive demon warriors—when he casually viewed his family’s vacation photos in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Read more…

August 4, 2003: When the former gangster rapper known as Dread-E Ed, now a born again Baptist minister preaching under the name The Save-Ed, held a press conference last week to announce his completion of a new Bible translation, few in the industry (either music or religious) took much notice. Read more…

August 5, 2003. Padukah Kentucky: Raymod Keller, an admitted “former homosexual” who found Jesus Christ a year and a half ago, reports that he is satisfied with his marriage and doesn’t miss satisfying, reciprocal sex with other men. Likening his life and the road ahead of him to that of a reformed alcoholic, Keller admitted it isn’t always easy. Read more…

Los Angelos, California. August 15, 2003: The love affair between single millionaire Morris Etherton and veteran prostitute Kallie “Special K” Woods had all the makings of a touching romantic-comedy, friends recalled yesterday, as they quietly gathered to mourn Etherton’s untimely death. The fairy tale ended Tuesday in a nameless, dark alley in one of LA’s poorer urban neighborhoods, as the suave, quirky bachelor died in a hail of bullets fired from the gun of Woods’ alleged pimp, Maurice “G-Play” Griffen. Read more...

June 25, 2003 Washington DC: Several members of the White House Wives’ Club are feeling growing frustration because their husbands seem to be bringing the “War on Terror” home with them. An anonymous source reported to The Brachiator that Janet Ashcroft and Joyce Rumsfeld began discussing their husbands’ at-home behavior at the Wives’ Club luncheon yesterday afternoon, and “…they just went off!” (Read more...)

June 16, 2003 Washington DC: Taking a break from his grueling schedule of playing golf and giving press conferences that require him to pronounce difficult words such as “peaceful resolution”, George W. Bush took several hours to look through the attic of the White House yesterday evening. Sources inside the White House tell The Brachiator that the President was “profoundly amused” by one of his discoveries during the foray: a chest of mementos and photo albums from his father’s administration. (Read more...)

Washington DC, June 15 2003 :At a surprise press-conference at the White House today, Attorney General John Ashcroft and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that the Justice Department was issuing a warrant for the arrest of one Thomas Jefferson. As one out of four high school seniors in America ( and one out of two of the most recent American Presidents) is aware, Mr. Jefferson was the third President of the United States. He is also considered the author of the Declaration of Independence, and it is this last fact that has apparently landed him “on the lam”. (Read more...)

September 22, 2002; Galesburg Illinois: A recent viewing of M. Night Shyamalan’s “Signs” at the Galesburg Multiplex was not enjoyed by a single person who saw the 7:35 show. What many have described as a “feel good” movie, had the opposite effect on this particular audience. (Read more...)

The Kitchen, October 28, 2002; In a bilateral move that surpised kitchen pundits and utensils alike, long-time enemies Pot and Kettle announced an end to hostilities yesterday. The pair, speaking from the stovetop where they were relaxing after an evening wash, appeared calm and united, a stark contrast to their relationship in the past. For decades, the pair of culinary heavyweights have kept the entire food-preparation area on edge with their constant bickering and name-calling. (Read more...)

November 1st, 2002: In their monthly newsletter mailed to several hundred thousand American homes Wednesday, the NRA cautioned its members to be “ever more vigilant” in the wake of recent events around the world. Much as it did last October, the organization warned gun-owners to beware of “foes of the second Amendment who would use recent tragedy to further their own cause.” (Read more...)

January 23, 2001. Ferrell Wisconsin: Three students were killed and numerous others were injured when a brawl erupted at the Ferrell College commons during Tuesday's lunch. Names of the fatalities have not been released, but Dean of Students Vick Flanagan reported that two sophomores and one first-year student had died of injuries sustained in the cafeteria brawl at Chapin Hall. Seven other students and a food service employee were treated for injuries at the local hospital, too. Read more...

January 5, 2001. Hattiesburg, Mississippi: A new school policy in the small coastal community of Pascagoula Mississippi has draw sharp criticism from parents, some teachers, and the ACLU. Late last month, the Jackson County R-7 School District okayed a plan to post the Five Pillars of Islam in its classrooms. The effort, Superintendent Earl Chaumers explained at the time, was intended to "...restore morals and ethics to the institution of public education." Read more...

New Orleans, February 28, 2001: It was anything but business as usual for police officers and party-goers alike last night, as the city wrapped up Mardi Gras celebrations. No one was injured and very few people were arrested in the tamest "Fat Tuesday" in recent memory. Many revelers and would-be rioters were discouraged, and some were outraged, at this deviation from the traditional culmination of Mardi Gras. Read more...