Note: This was written in response to a song I heard on the radio. Well, I guess you could call it a song. It's a spoken-word piece written by a guy whose friend was contemplating suicide. The author wrote a long, droll piece that listed off all the wonderful aspects of life that this yutz would miss if he offed himself. So, being the sardonic, hateful, jaded guy I am, I wrote a rebuttle.

Suicide: The Other Side

So, you heard that cheesy song on the radio about suicide and all the things you’d miss if you bought the farm. You listened to all the reasons not to take your life, but you did it anyway; you took the plunge. You looked death straight in the eye and said, “Bring it on, bitch”. You didn’t look back, but told life simply and matter-of-factly, “Kiss my ass!” And now that I think about it, maybe death has its good points, too.

After all, you’ll never have to clean the toilet again.
You’ll never have to struggle to find the end on a roll of tape, or reach down into a nasty, grimy garbage disposal to retrieve a spoon.
You’ll never bite your tongue again, or have to get a cavity filled.
You’ll never have to endure a rain delay.
You’ll never stub your toe or get a paper cut.
You’ll never come back from a date to find out you’ve got a piece of food stuck right in the front of your teeth.
You’ll never again have to count calories or pinch pennies.
You’ll never see your favorite book made into a horrible movie that completely mutilates the story line.
Your in-laws will never stop by for the weekend again.
You’ll never get a triple bogey or a gutter ball.
You’ll never be all dressed up with nowhere to go, and you’ll never have somewhere important to be and nothing to wear.
You’ll never have to struggle through an interview for a job you don’t really want.
You’ll never have your favorite show preempted by a sport you hate, like tennis, golf, or baseball.
And you’ll never have to suffer through a colonoscopy…in case you don’t know, that’s where the doctor sticks a big camera up your butt and “looks around”.

You’ll never be fired or laid off again.
You’ll never miss the bus.
You’ll never be on a seven-hour trans-continental flight with a screaming baby behind you.
You’ll never bite into an apple to find half a worm, and you’ll never step in fresh, steamy dog feces.
You’ll never hear from another telemarketer.
You’ll never see another rerun of Mama’s Family.
You’ll never have to pee in a cup.
And you’ll never have to pretend you didn’t fart in a crowded elevator.
You’ll never watch helplessly while your house burns down.
You’ll never be cold, hungry, or scared.
You’ll never flunk a test, or get the shortest straw.
And you’ll never realize two miles down the road that they didn’t get your order right.
You’ll never be audited by the IRS, or find your favorite pet run over in front of your house.
You’ll never have someone who repulses you put his hands on you and leer, and you’ll never again hear the excuse “boys will be boys”.
You’ll never see homeless children playing in the sewer pipes down by the river, or hear a rich politician deny the need to help those children and instead ask that taxpayers pay for him to have a third limo.
You’ll never have to tell your child, “I’m sorry, but we just can’t afford that right now”.
You’ll never have to work late and miss the party.
You’ll never have your boss yell at you for someone else’s mistake.
You’ll never have to see another bubble-gum boy band hit it big with an insipid song about “heavenly love sent from above”.
And you’ll never pay fourteen dollars to see a movie and have some loudmouth jerk talk through the whole thing.
You’ll never have a loved one die in another senseless shooting, or watch them wither in a slow agonizing death from disease.
You’ll never hold an innocent baby in your arms and know that you can never protect it or make it safe.

You’re never going to hear those dreaded words again: “Turn your head and cough” or “Please put your legs up into the stirrups”.
You’ll never have smoke blown in your face while you’re trying to enjoy a good meal, and you’ll never have smoke blown somewhere ELSE.
You’ll never stick yourself with a needle again.
You’ll never fall down the stairs.
You’ll never sit down to a bowl of your favorite cereal only to realize the milk is rotten.
You’ll never have to see the Olson twins in anything ever again.
You’re never going to get that horrible call in the middle of the night and know that he’s never coming home again.
You won’t ever have to endure someone else’s sob story,

Or their bad breath,
Or their BO
Or listen to them boast about their children in a pathetic
attempt to give their own petty lives some vicarious meaning.

You’ll never have to get up early to go to a job you hate.
You’ll never look in the mirror and see an older, decrepit version of the person you used to be.

You’ll never be denied a promotion because of your race, gender, or whatever, and you’ll never have to see the lazy liar in the cubicle next to you—the one who comes in late, leaves early, and takes three-hour lunches—promoted instead.
You’ll never have a flight canceled.
You’ll never be stuck in traffic again.
You’ll never have a migraine or breast cancer.
You’ll never have to hide behind the couch when the Jehova’s Witnesses or Mormons come knocking on the door.
You’ll never have to watch another commercial that insults your intelligence.
You’ll never have to pander to the lowest common denominator, and you’ll never have to boost someone’s ego with lies.
You won’t ever fall on your ass that way…you know what I mean, right on that bone so that it knocks the wind out of you.
You’ll never suffer the humiliation of having too little money at the check-out line, and you’ll never have to wait five minutes for a twenty-five cent price check.
You’ll never again have to lie to a child:

“Grandma’s with God now, dear.”
“You can do anything you put your mind to.”
“We gave Rex to some nice people with a farm where he’ll have room to run and play.”

You’ll never be underpaid and taken for granted.
You’ll never have to see some other schlepp win the lottery.
You’ll never have a flat tire at 2:00 am on a long, dark road in Arkansas or Mississippi.
You’ll never wake up one morning and realize you’ve become exactly the person you swore you’d never be.
And you’ll never walk in on your loved one in the arms of another.

You’ll never have to use another filthy, stinky restroom.
You’ll never have to struggle to “make ends meet”.
You’ll never get “spam” emails or be in a chat room with some nitwit who types LOL every two words.
You’ll never hear tornado sirens or the phrase “Please prepare for a crash landing”.
You’ll never have to listen to someone preaching hatred in the name of god.
You’ll never see the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
You’ll never again see someone locked in jail for smoking a joint, while rapists and murderers go free and the alcohol and tobacco industries get rich killing millions.
You’ll never see your best girlfriend fall for some sleezy fratboy who you know is going to cheat on her and probably give her VD.
Or get stuck behind a combine on a one-lane road when you’re already ten minutes late.
You’ll never see a bad parent abusing their child in public and no one doing anything to intervene.
You’ll never have to endure another dirty campaign and know that your vote makes absolutely no difference.
You’ll never have to listen to another hypocrite screaming and bitching about immigrants (unless of course he’s speaking Cherokee or Pottowatomee, in which case he’s got every right).
You’ll never have to watch people pump out baby after baby while hundreds of thousands of children wait to be adopted.
And you’ll never again have to sit and realize that no matter what you say or do, things are going to go right on the way they are.

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