Primate Totems

(Many people--and by many, I mean none...but I'm thinking ahead--have asked me HOW you know your totem, or if there's some mathmatical equation or a zodiac-like method to find it. No. Basically, you talk to me for a while, maybe we go out and smoke a bowl together or have a barbecue, and then I tell you which one you are. It's simple. In the mean time, you can paruse this list and see which one YOU think you are. You're probably wrong, though. If you're currently in a romantic relationship, you could ask your partner which one s/he thinks you are and have a pretty good fight about it. Enjoy)

Tamarin: Cheerful and pleasant, you make a good first impression. You are a busy-body, always doing several things at once. However, your inability to focus on one item at a time can cause problems and irritate those around you. In relationships, you are able to focus, however, and you’re very loyal and monogamous. Too often, though, you can be downright clingy. Female: Your insecurities stem from your inability to achieve orgasm; masturbating and getting to know “the inner you” would do wonders for your self-esteem and give you a new level of confidence, empowering you in your dealings with significant others. Male: Your interpersonal insecurities stem from your fixation on intercourse. Stop always worrying about whether or not your going to screw and try simply connecting with your lover emotionally for once.

Marmoset: You are industrious and can be counted on to get the job done; however, you are high-strung and tend to make enemies in the process…you often don’t even notice, though. Due to your reliability and loyalty, the friends you do have are life-long and hold you in high regard. You have a good relationship with your parents and show good parenting skills yourself. While monogamous and loyal, you tend to be possessive of your mate, and often become jealous. Your desire to have children with your lover stems from self-serving needs to both “mark” your mate as your territory and create physical extensions of yourself (your children) to carry on after you’re gone.

Potto: Solitary and suspicious, you tend to keep to yourself. The few people who get to know you tend to appreciate you for your sensitivity and thoughtfulness, but you rarely consider them close friends. Your eyes have the ability to see through things most people can’t, such as a scam or a deceitful “player” on the dating scene. You struggle to find others who can see the world the way you do. At work, you’re respected for your thoroughness, though you have difficulty “multi-tasking”; you prefer to do one task at a time and do each one well. But some coworkers perceive you as “odd”. Physically, you tend toward torpidity; you should get off the couch and get some exercise.

Aye-Aye: Socially awkward, you tend to keep to yourself. You’ve always struggled to make friends among your peers, and were pretty miserable during school because of this. You may often feel more comfortable with animals than other people. You’re sensitive and intelligent, and as you enter adulthood, relationships become a bit easier as your peers mature to your level. But solitary habits learned in childhood prove hard to break, and you still strike people as odd, sometimes frightening. Fed up with the shallowness of such people, you tend to revel in the role and act even odder than you really are. At work, you may either be very successful—the eccentric executive astutely leading the corporation—,or an utter failure—the unsightly kook in the mailroom.

Wooly Monkey: Good-looking and athletic, you seem to have it all. You are charismatic and popular, so social interaction has always come easily to you. You have a large group of friends and don’t even notice the ones who secretly envy or resent you for your success. In school, you struggled with some of the bookwork, but your personality always got your through anything your brains couldn’t. Because of your popularity, finding a date was always easy. This may haunt you in adulthood, though; developing any meaningful relationships may prove elusive, and catching a venereal disease is a real concern. In the business world, a job in sales or customer service will suit you perfectly. Interpersonally, however, you may have to be content with waking up next to the stranger at the end of the bar who kept buying you drinks.

Common Howler: You like to talk and are often the first person on the dance floor. You’re very sociable and can help a room out of an awkward silence, but you don’t know when to shut up. Compounding the general annoying quality of your constant banter is the fact that it’s primarily superficial. When called upon for an honest opinion or substantive input, you’re often at a loss and simply babble. In school, you were always raising your hand. You may be intelligent, but it’s hard to say, because you insist on blabbering even about things you know nothing about, which makes you sound like a complete idiot. Shut up and listen for a change! (Looking for a mate: see the note on the Red Howler.)

Red Howler: You are talkative and aren’t afraid to speak your mind. People with similar interests and beliefs like you a lot, but you also make enemies easily. You wear your emotions—like everything else about you—on your sleeve. You tend to hold grudges but have trouble keeping a secret. You have a good sense of humor, though some people find it too caustic because of your bluntness. Your interests and skills lie in the performing arts. The anger resulting from stifling these interests in order to conform to a 9-5 job puts you at risk for workplace violence. Stay away from guns. When looking for a mate, you definitely should avoid other Howlers…two of you together will just drive people nuts!

Macaque: Gregarious and social, you get along with your peers. You are open-minded and stay out of most political discussions. In school and at work, you don’t call a lot of attention to yourself. When someone talks about “the average person”, they mean you. You like dogs a lot. For the most part, you’re content with your life. A job in the armed forces could serve you well. You’re really just pretty damn boring! And, unfortunately, because you’ve got few opinions of your own, you are susceptible to brainwashing and risk becoming a member of a hate group, like the KKK or Christian Coalition, or a fraternity.

Hammadryas Baboon: Male: you are belligerent, a bully. You have a short temper and have difficulty handling a situation where you can’t have your way. You tend to take your frustration out on someone smaller or weaker than you. You will have numerous girlfriends in your life and treat them all poorly, clinging to them with jealous tenacity, only to cast them hatefully aside when tired of them. You’re a wife-beater and have a high probability of being alcoholic. Do the world a favor and get a vasectomy.
Female: You’re weak-willed and meek. Probably because your father was a Hammadryas as well, you look for brutish men who will treat you poorly. Being smacked around and not trusted makes you feel “loved”. You hope to have several kids to prove your worth to others. You’ll make strong efforts to give your children the happy lives you missed out on, but gifts and leniency won’t make up for the self-respect and emotional support that you’re unable to give. There’s a chance that you’ll try to rebel from this life in your adolescent years, but that’ll backfire, and you’ll simply end up a run-away prostitute…possibly addicted to heroin.

Chimpanzee: You are a skilled artist. Whether it is drawing, painting, singing, writing, or woodworking (or all of them), you’re a master, and people admire you for it. Looking at the world as your pallette gives you greater sensitivity than most people, though you can have a short temper. Pursuit of such interests and pleasures may make your life difficult, however. Unless you’re lucky enough to find employment doing what you love, you’ll have to find a mind-numbing job to “make ends meet” and this will prove very hard on your psyche. Life’s disappointments may make you caustic and sardonic. You’ll probably need antidepressants to hold down a job, and some people still won’t be able to stand your negativity. You are good with animals and/or children, but should definitely not breed because you’re so unstable. Be content with being “the fun aunt/uncle”.

Langur: You’re good with your hands and can be counted on to stand up for your friends in a fight. Other than that, you’re just plain lame. I’m sorry, but that’s all there is to it. You’re dull and bland. You like animals, but even they could care less about you. You’re kind of like the Macaque, but there’s even less to you. You should join the Army or be a priest. You might be intelligent, but no one really notices, because you’re like wallpaper. You might try to rebel by piercing something or wearing strange clothes, but no one cares. At the company picnic, everyone keeps asking “Do YOU work here?”

Gorilla: Your girth or brutish appearance masks both a sensitivity and a cleverness that many never see in you. But those who know you appreciate you greatly. You tend to be the opposite of most people’s first impressions, and this fascinates many. You are often quiet and introspective, but can laugh and chat the night away with friends. You are kind-hearted and get along well with members of the opposite sex. You’re good with animals and children, too. You like to read books and see movies. Your main fault is that you tend to put too much weight in other people’s opinions, and this may cause you a lot of grief in life. Be more confident.

Baboon: You are another average Joe/Jain when it comes to outward appearance and demeanor. You’re more successful and respected than the Langur or Macaque however. Beneath your congenial exterior, lies a haughtiness and strong sense of entitlement. You are judgmental of others and expect them to serve you, but you’re very secretive of your own life and have no qualms looking someone straight in the eyes and lying to them. Stealing from the office or making coworkers carry your weight is perfectly acceptable. You tend to be upwardly mobile simply by your status in life (who your parents were, your race, whatever), but don’t achieve a whole lot because of your atitude and tendency toward laziness. You’ll breed out of the belief that the world NEEDS more yous to offset the herds of inferior people. Get off your high horse, you stupid lout!

Capuchin: You are a prankster. You’re friendly and theatrical, the life of most parties. Some people dislike you for your insincerity, and you are a little two-faced sometimes, but more likely their resentment stems from the fact that they envy your confidence. You’re not afraid to be the only one on the dance floor. You had trouble in school, simply because it was hard for you to sit still. If you can find a job where you get to perform in front of people, you’ll excel. You tend to be a little too focused on your physical appearance and sometimes have trouble listening to others’ problems. But most people consider you a fun person and like you anyway. Opposites attract in your case, romantically, so get with a Potto or Aye-Aye. Another Capuchin could prove fun for a romp, but the two of you risk serious bodily harm due to your fascination with kinky sex toys.

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