There is a six year old girl in Oyoueatdoodoo, Burkina Faso (the West African nation formerly known as Upper Volta—really, look it up on a map, that’s it’s name! Burkina Faso!) who was born with six toes. Now, six-toed people are not that rare, but this little girl had the misfortune of being born with six toes protruding from her left armpit. Now, as Burkina Fasoan culture and tradition clearly dictates, the little girl, Pitime, was immidiatly lashed to a rabid wildabeast. She has lived her entire life in this sad, pitiful position, ruthlessly dragged about by the frothing animal, bumping her head on jagged termite hills and periodically being sodomized by horny hyennas.
Now, why am I telling you this? Just to guilt you and ruin your day? No. I’m telling yout this, because now you can do something to save Pitime. That’s right. The wonderful and benevolent Bill Gates, in conjunction with the Village Elder of Oyoueatdoodoo, has worked out an ingenious and generous plan, whereby—for each time this email is forwarded to someone who doesn’t give a damn and wishes you’d get a life—Mr. Gates will pay the Village Elder, Imaliar Andafink, three cents (which in Burkina Faso is enough to buy two goats or a pack of cigarettes—which in Alabama’s state prison is enough to buy a young “virgin bitch”). We are assured that, if he receives a total of $5,000 dollars (which, if divided by 3 cents is…well, a big number) before the annual Chongula Harvest Festival (and we’re not sure when that is), Imaliar Andafink will free Pitime from her life of bondage. Also, if an additional 40,000 American dollars (or forty trillion Mexican Pesos) can be raised before another Kennedy tragically dies, Kathleen Kennedy Shriver Shwarzenager Smith III has agreed to pay for Pitime’s mutant toes to be removed, thereby allowing her to lead a normal Burkina Fasoan life (which of course means she’ll have her genetalia mutilated at the age of 12 and be married off to a man thrice her age…but we’re doing another chain letter about that NEXT week).
So please, forward this email to as many people as you know, and even some that you don’t but suspect might not have anything better to do. Then repeat this mantra to yourself six times: “Owa…tashmu…kiam”. Then make a wish, write a short but maudlin poem of exactly fourty-seven words and forward it onto your SECOND best friend, and then your wish will come true…unless of course it’s Tuesday or is raining outside, in which case you’ll have to stand on your head and fart the Star Spangled Banner before sending the poem to your SECOND cousin. Then your wish will come true, and the another five cents will be generously donated by Mr. Gates to the Legless Blind Boy with Tourette’s Syndrom Sleeping on a Bed of Nails in Bangledesh Fund, and you can pat yourself on the back, unless you’re too fat to do so, in which case you should get off your ass and go get some exercise.
If the sarcastic nature, culturally insensitive tone, or quaint-and-happy-little-world-destroying message of this letter has offended you in any way, please accept my heartfelt assurance that I don’t give a fuck…and pass this message on to three of your friends.
Inspiring Words At The End of The Email: Remember…live like it’s your last day (and you’ll end up fat and broke), and work like you don’t need the money (in which case you’ll quit your job and be broke and single and suicidal). Peace!